


The Need for Speed

by KtheG



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: And angsty, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, it's romantic, it's soft and gentle and also goofy and hot, motorcycle racing au, they sleep together in chapter fifteen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:40:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 42,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26830807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KtheG/pseuds/KtheG
Summary: Ava and Lilith are motorcycle racers on the Grand Prix circuit
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Ava Silva
Comments: 85
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So we all know I'm an athlete and we all know I use fic to express my feelings about being an athlete, and thus was born my longest fic ever, all about Ava and Lilith being motoGP racers.

Ava wasn't sure what to expect from her first Grand Prix race, but it definitely wasn't to podium. She had barely qualified, and her bike was a second-hand Honda that she had bought off one of the retiring competitors. She just wanted to ride, and working at the track got her clearance to the track after hours. She hadn't expected to be recruited from her late night rides, and she definitely wasn't expecting it to be from Yamaha, one of the top teams on the circuit.

Her life had been a whirlwind the last couple of months, training with her new team, getting to know the crew better, getting a feel for a bike that was _all her own._ Competition was everywhere, even on her own team, but she was just grateful to be there. She didn't have to scrape for new tires anymore, and she didn't have to worry about replacing her suit if she crashed. And best of all, Ava was racing on a team with men and women who were in the top 15 on the world cup rankings; she got to race and train alongside Lilith de la Cruz, who had held the top spot for almost a year now. She was the only woman to win 50 races, and she had the most points so far this season. She was an icon, an inspiration. Ava had posters of hers packed away neatly in the boxes that filled her new apartment. Being around a racer like Lilith made Ava want to be her best. She had so much to learn from the pro's around her, and she just wanted to win, whatever it took. The weight room became her newest best friend (she had to put on enough weight to _not_ fly off a bike going over 100 mph) and she trained for longer than was probably healthy, but she had to prove herself.

She had done well in training runs for the last few weeks, and so Yamaha sent her off to a qualifying circuit in France for the weekend, her first real test. Sure, she had raced against other people, but most of her experience was built off the time trials she did back when she was riding after hours. Hours of film on the other racers would give Ava the edge. She would learn every inch of the track, figuring out the tightest line to take on the turns, where she could make the cleanest passes, and where a riskier pass would be possible. It had all led up to the moment, and she raced almost on autopilot. It was new and exciting, and she was honestly just happy to be racing in a qualifier race for the Grand Prix. But it was difficult. Her control over her bike wasn't the best (it was heavy and she was smaller than average) and her turns were sloppier than she wanted them to be. She leaned too far on some of the sharper turns, making it harder to control the momentum. She had almost clipped a racer in front of her with her inability to straighten fast enough. But she did it. She had qualified for Spain.

She would be racing with Lilith and two other team Yamaha racers. They went over the track together in practice, shared notes on the conditions and what tires the crew was planning, but ultimately, Ava was alone. She didn't know her bike well enough to know what tires to use for the cold weather (it wasn't raining, so the soft tires might not have enough traction, but medium tires might have too much, making it harder to come out of turns) and so she had to trust her team; something she'd never had to do before. Beatrice, the crew chief had advised on soft track tires, saying how the cold would make it harder for the wheels to grip the asphalt, so Ava agreed.

Her practice runs hadn't been enough to get her a top 5 starting slot, but that was expected. Positioned solidly in number 8 was good: she wasn't so far back that she would be fighting off the line, but she wasn't far enough forward to have a clear turn 1. Visualizing the track in her mind helped, whispering her gear changes and foot positioning to herself like an idiot, but it helped ease the nerves. She just had to make sure nobody was on her left side going into the turn so she could stay low and ride the momentum into turn 2 and 3. She zipped and unzipped her suit unconsciously, her fingers itching for anything to do before the race.

When they were given the three minute mark, she pulled her helmet on, made sure her visor tags were ready to be peeled off when the bugs got too dense, and she closed her eyes, just taking in the sounds of the track. This is all she had wanted her entire life, ever since she had seen a race on the tv in the orphanage. Time passed quickly and slowly all at the same time. Ava looked up from her lap, surveying each racer ahead of her, watching them with their pre-race rituals, and took a deep breath. She deserved to be here just as much as them, she had _earned_ her spot, wearing number 16 for Yamaha proudly. All the attendants cleared the track, and suddenly, it was just Ava and the 14 other racers.

_Red, red, red, red, red, green._ She was off like a shot, her lighter body weight adding hardly anything to the weight of her motorcycle, the 240 horsepower having no trouble carrying her to 80 mph in less than a second. This was where she was most comfortable, flying down a track by herself.

The racer from Ducati in front of her was fast, his bike having one of the fastest start times, but he was sitting up just a hair too much, his body creating unnecessary drag. Ava caught up to him quickly going into turn 1, and put her right knee down, trying to keep her elbow tucked as close to her body as possible to fight gravity. She could feel the vibration of the ribbon through the protective gear and the rush of adrenaline felt so good in her system. All she could hear was the roar of her engine, all she could feel was the bike beneath her body, and all she could think was _this is my race._

There were only 24 laps to this race, and while it felt like time was flying, each lap wore down the tires. Ava anticipated it, making most of her passes on the first 10 laps while she had the bulk of her traction. Passing wasn't her strong suit, coming within touching distance of a 350 pound piece of heavy machinery scared the shit out of her. This was the one thing she didn't have experience with until she got picked up. Time trials could tell you how good your lines and turn technique were, but they didn't prepare you at all to make passes. The rules were fuzzy, but she went in earlier than many of the racers on the turns, cutting inside of them in order to complete the turn sooner and have more room to accelerate. It had worked for her so far in the race, and now she was sitting in 4th.

Climbing four spots was a lot in a single race, but stranger things had happened. She wasn't near any of her teammates, Lilith was in first, having started in spot one after the practice rounds, and Ava had left the other two behind in 6th and 7th place. Rounding lap 12, Ava could begin to feel the extra effort on the turns. They were halfway through the race and all she had to do was keep her current spot.

She could hear the high pitched whine of a Honda coming up on her left, just as she was entering turn 8, a left handed wide turn, so she wasn't too worried about the Honda until she went to peel off her current visor and saw sparks shoot up. Not wanting to get distracted, she kept her eyes focused on the tire lines in front of her, hoping to keep her line throughout the turn. She could hear the sound of a rider hitting the gravel behind her and she instinctively went to jerk away, but Ava managed to keep hold of her body, taking the turn as planned. That meant she had a few more seconds (maybe) between her and the racer now in 5th, but it also meant the race just got smaller. She would have to be more competitive if she wanted to keep her spot.

The straightaway between 9 and 10 would allow Ava to fall into a slipstream behind the racer in 3rd, and she was careful to keep enough distance between them to avoid a crash up until she went to overtake him. Turn 10 was sharp, and Ava didn't want to go on the outside, so she had to slow, sticking a foot out to create drag before tucking her leg back in and dropping her left knee to the ground, hovering just above the ribbon. She took a risk, pulling on the accelerator a fraction earlier than she had in practice and pushed off the ground with her knee, popping up before the racer in front of her.

It gave her a clear view of the three bikes in front of her, and Ava figured since it was lap 22 she could go for it. Changing gears, Ava gunned it, taking the shallow 11 with grace before the last straightaway. Her bike was now solidly in position 3, and she could feel the joy bubbling up in her chest. _Focus, you idiot. Two laps left._ She could do this, she could put up a challenge to Lilith for first, and then everybody would take her seriously.

But that's where she ended. In third. Lilith and the KTM racer in front of her, leading by almost .700 of a second, too much for her to make up in two laps on tires that were now starting to skid with every turn. It was a miracle. She had pushed her bike, she had pushed herself, but she ended up on the podium. It wasn't until she was debriefing her ride with Beatrice that she realized just how hard she had pushed her bike.

"You can't be taking turns like you did on 10 that late in the race Ava. Your tires were smoking. The data we pulled from the engine was almost too much. Your engine can't handle that much torque. You have to learn to listen to your bike better. There's a reason Lilith is the leader right now. She knows what she's doing, and she's not _reckless._ "

The words hurt, but Ava knew she had a lot to learn. She hadn't been on her bike that long, and she's just proud of herself for making it on the podium. What she wasn't expecting _at all_ was to be accosted by Lilith after the race, as they were loading up to head home.

"What the hell do you think you're up to, Silva?"

Ava was taken aback, unsure of what she had done to bring the wrath of her teammate upon herself. "Uh... Racing? The same as you?"

Lilith let out a scoff at her response, "no, that was _reckless_. That was _not_ racing. You almost took out another racer in an illegal pass. Find a rule book and learn. We can't have our season jeopardized by a racer who gets disqualified because she doesn't know the rules."

Ava was stunned. Her pass against the Honda racer had been legal, she thought. She had slowed down going into the turn to avoid an outside pass that would have endangered them both, and she had passed him cleanly on the asphalt coming out of the turn. A look at the film would be in order, but Ava was exhausted. She was suffering from the whiplash of being proud of getting on the podium to being berated for how hard she pushed the bike and apparently for being too competitive. It seems like she could only win on the track, and not with her team.

The ride back to home base was tense, rage pouring off of Lilith despite her first place win and collecting 24 World Cup points. Ava decided she wasn't even going to try with Lilith, irrationally angry at the other woman. Tucking herself into the back of the bus with her music was all she could do, so she put on her headphones, turned her music up all the way and curled into herself under her blanket. Falling asleep had never been an issue for Ava, and it should have come easy tonight, her body finally crashing from the adrenaline, but her brain wouldn't stop moving, over analyzing every move she had made that may have been dangerous to another racer or herself. The last thing she wanted to do was cause a crash and put somebody's life at risk. Closing her eyes, Ava tried to only pay attention to the beat in her ears, and eventually, she drifted off into a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings?

They didn't have another Grand Prix race for a few months, Spain had been a quick turnaround from the last race, getting one more in before the rainy season put an unofficial hold on the world cup. But that didn't mean Ava wasn't racing. Her team wanted her on the track as often as possible to continue to get comfortable with her bike, really learn the nuances of her engine and how her body moved on different turns. She entered into a few provisional races, just for the experience, but her biggest competition still remained racing against her own teammates, especially Lilith. Lilith, who's passes were  _ clinical _ and almost perfect. Ava could watch Lilith race for hours, feeling like she was in school again. It was different, of course, because Lilith was unusually tall for racing (Ava was on the small side at 163 cm, but Lilith was practically a  _ giant _ among the competitors at 177 cm) and so her technique was a little bit different. And yet, Ava couldn’t find herself critical of Lilith too much. She hadn’t been around long enough to be judgmental, but that didn’t mean watching Lilith race wasn’t entrancing. The way she was able to keep her turns sharp despite her longer legs? Ava was jealous (and a little bit  _ gay _ ) but she was determined to get her body to move like that. She wanted to spend less time coming out of turns and more time in a straight acceleration. 

Beatrice had been surprisingly helpful, wanting all of her racers to perform their best, and so she had paired Ava up with one of the baby crew chiefs, Camila, to work more closely with. Hours at the track were well spent, and Ava would sometimes race time trials with the other racers or participate in mock races, but her favorite moments were the races between her and Lilith. As the only female racers currently qualified for GP racing, the media had pit them against each other, and Lilith was closed off enough that Ava almost believed the stories.

But she knew that Lilith was human just like she was. She had found video of all of Lilith's races, watched her nastiest crashes on repeat, marveling at how this woman had managed to make such a comeback. Ava had crashed a few times herself, but she'd been lucky enough to never get stuck under her bike, and couldn't even imagine what it would feel like, so she had immense respect for her older teammate. Yet it seemed like every time they trained together, on the track or in the weight room, that Ava put her foot in her mouth. Lilith didn't find her jokes funny  _ at all _ and Ava had used the same jokes to break the tough exterior of  _ Beatrice, _ the only other person as closed off as Lilith. It frustrated Ava. She felt like Lilith didn't respect her as a racer, and that's what drove Ava crazy. She was here, putting in all the work and all the hours, doing more than some of their teammates just to keep her spot. Yeah, she wasn't the smartest racer, and yeah, she had a lot to learn about the GP circuit, but dammit, she was going to  _ learn. _ She went to Mary, their video tech, and criticized every action of her race in Spain and the provisional races she had been doing throughout Europe. Her technique was getting better, she wasn't keeping her knee on the ground as long, and as she got stronger, she no longer relied on pushing off the ground coming out of a turn, so her drag resistance was less. She was staying off the ribbon more, her lines were tighter. Hell, even her passes were cleaner. She was accelerating out of them at better moments, putting nobody in danger and getting ahead of her competitors. All she wanted was a little bit of recognition from Lilith that her efforts weren't being wasted. It seemed like everybody in the racing world could see how much Ava was growing except the person she wanted to the most.

Finally, they had made it to the Australian race. The team would travel down under for a month, gain their bearings, train, race, spend a few weeks training there while Spain continued its winter, and then they would come back. It was the first opportunity after the Spain GP race that Ava and Lilith would race together in this capacity, and Ava was excited. She was excited to show Lilith what she could do on a new track, one they hadn't both memorized after hours of going around it. Most of all, Ava was excited because she had a solid chance of actually challenging for first in this race. They would be flying together, the whole team that had qualified, and Ava was excited to leave the continent for the first time ever. Her amazement and innocence about the world was something that others thought was faked and silly, but Ava was genuinely curious about everything. (Growing up in an orphanage had left her little opportunities for education, and she had barely managed to graduate secondary school.)

When they had first arrived in Australia, Beatrice had all the racers head to the track for a walk through. It was standard, they would be racing here in 12 days, and they needed to know all the turns as well as they could, but Ava was  _ tired. _ She had been too excited to sleep much on the flight over, and now it was catching up with her. Camila tugged her along, and together they made notes about the track, but Ava retired earlier than usual to the home they would be living in for the next month. She was surprised to see Lilith already there, in the kitchen, when she got back.

"I thought you were still at the track?" Ava asked, hoping to create a positive energy for the month.

Lilith didn't look up, just replied with a stone cold, "obviously not," and went back to chopping something.

"Well it smells really good in here."  _ You idiot. That's not how you keep a conversation going. _

Ava retreated to her room quickly, not wanting to continue to make a fool out of herself. Almost half an hour later, and she was still too mortified to leave her room for any of the common spaces, so she had curled up on her bed with her laptop, watching some true crime tv show, waiting for the sounds in the kitchen to cease. She had been so engrossed in her show that she didn't hear the clean up process, nor did she hear the knock against her door. 

A call of her name, "Ava? You in there?" startled her and she hopped up to answer the door. 

"Oh, hi Lilith. I was just watching Netflix. What can I do for you?"  _ God, Ava, you sound way too professional. _

"I was wondering if you would.... want to share a meal with me? I made enough for two."  _ Lilith wants to have dinner with me?  _ "Yes, Ava, that is usually what sharing a meal means." 

"Oh shit, did I say that out loud?" Ava could feel her face heating up in embarrassment, but Lilith only smiled, still expecting a response. "Yes! I mean, yeah, that'd be cool."  _ Fuck did that sound way too excited? _ "Let me just pause my show, real quick." Ava turned back to her room, fully expecting Lilith to leave and meet her in the kitchen, but when she came back to the door, Lilith was standing there, waiting for her.

"I wanted to apologize, for the last couple of months. I haven't treated you very well, and Beatrice said most people talk about their feelings over a meal, so I figured I'd take her advice. She's right about most things anyway." Lilith looked bashful, the tips of her ears red as she explained to Ava. Ava didn't know what to make of the situation, this was the most Lilith had spoken to her since their first race when she had ripped Ava a new one for being reckless. 

"I mean, they do say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  _ God you're such an idiot Ava Silva. _ She sighed. "What I meant to say was thank you. I'm sorry my brain to mouth filter ceases to exist around pretty women." 

"You think I'm pretty?" Lilith sounded so unsure of herself, a far cry from her normal personality that it was throwing Ava for a loop. 

"Have you looked in a mirror lately? Your cheekbones could cut me and I would say 'thank you'. But seriously, thank you for offering dinner. I am hopeless in the kitchen." 

Lilith laughed. "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me." 

It was one of the best meals of Ava's life, and she told Lilith that far too many times. "Ava, seriously, it's okay. I enjoy cooking, and I want to get to know you better. We are teammates after all."  _ Right, just teammates. _ Ava would take whatever she could get with this woman, even if it meant being just teammates. They cleaned up the dinner together, despite Ava's insistence that she do it alone since Lilith had cooked. After the dishes were done, they stood there a little awkwardly, neither woman wanting the moment to end. 

"Lilith-" 

"Ava-" They spoke over each other, before stopping. 

"You go ahead."

It seemed their brains were working in sync as they once again interrupted each other. Ava finally put a hand over her mouth, motioning with the other for Lilith to go first. Lilith let out a chuckle at the dramatic display but started speaking anyway.

"Look, I know I've been cold. But I just want you to know that I'm hard on everybody. You don't understand the pressure I'm under with my family. This is my legacy, all I've ever known, and if I were to fail, I would lose everything." Lilith looked down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers in a rare act of vulnerability. "I know it just sounds like an excuse, but it's all I can offer you at the moment by way of explanation." 

"Lilith, I get it. Racing is all I have, literally, and if some little shit came along and threatened all  _ I _ had worked for, I would have reacted the same. No hard feelings?" Ava stuck her hand out, and Lilith took it, her grip strong.  _ Head out of the gutter, Ava. _ "I would like to aim for friends, one day. If that's something you could see yourself doing?" Ava sounded way too hopeful to her own ears, and she was quick to follow up, "if that's something that we can do, as teammates. If not I totally understand. I've just seen the way that Vincent and Adriel are and I don't know about you but my gaydar definitely picked up on that as soon as I got here. But that's not what I'm trying to say. I don't want that with you- not to say that I would say no, you're very pretty and I'm very much into women- but I understand that sometimes just being friends with someone is enou-" Ava gets cut off by Lilith's lips on hers. 

It takes her brain a minute to register what is going on, but her body has already reacted. Her lips move against Lilith's, one hand coming to rest against her cheek, to hold her closer. The kiss ends much too soon for Ava's liking, and Lilith practically runs out of the house, only stopping to grab her keys. Ava stands frozen in the kitchen, fingers resting against her lips, still feeling Lilith's breath on her mouth.

She doesn't know how long she stands there, but eventually she hears the front door open and close and she catches Camila's voice as it carries through the rest of the house. She's talking with some of the other crew members, and so she's admittedly distracted when she walks into the kitchen, but Beatrice is not. Beatrice meets Ava's eyes right away and gives a slight raise of her eyebrows. Ava doesn't know what she's asking, not as close with the other woman and so she just shrugs, finally lowering her hand from her lips. Her tongue darts out to wet them, and she can still taste Lilith's chapstick. 

She scurries out of the kitchen before any further interrogation can take place and she locks herself in her room. She doesn't see anybody for the rest of the night, but Beatrice's voice comes through her door around 11:30. "Remember Ava, we're leaving for the track tomorrow at 8:30. Please eat before we leave." 

Ava dreams of Lilith that night, of her lips and her hands and running her own hands over Lilith's body, of Lilith's hands on her body. She wakes up hardly rested at all the next morning, but she knows she has to lay down a good practice. When she sees Lilith the next morning in the locker room, she just offers a smile and a wave, understanding that they have to put what happened between them last night on hold until they get through the training day. Lilith's lips quirk upward as Ava makes a funny face, pretending to gag when they hear Vincent and Adriel walking out to the track. Their dynamic is weird now. There's no hatred, there's no animosity over Lilith running off last night (Ava understands the need to run) but they are stuck in a kind of limbo. They still have to compete against each other, that won't change, but now there's more friendly competition and less of Ava proving herself. As a result, both women have one of the best practices of the year, and everybody can tell. Nobody can see it, but Beatrice smirks proudly.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Australia race is finally here

They're stuck in this limbo for days leading up to the race, laying down some of their fastest times all week, and Ava is exhausted. Anybody who says racing a motorcycle is easy has obviously never controlled a 350 pound machine. They're up early for training and by the time they get back from the track, Ava is too tired to talk to anybody, so she heads to bed. Lilith is disappointed, hoping to catch the smaller racer to have a talk, but it seems like every time she tries, something always comes up. First it was Mary, asking for a minute to go over the film from that day's runs. Then it was Vincent asking for help with something, but to be honest, she wasn't paying attention at all, fully distracted by Ava taking her gear off. She thought she saw her chance on the Tuesday before their race, but as luck would have it, her mothers called right as she went to knock on Ava's door. She seriously considered letting it run to voicemail, but she knew her mothers would just keep calling until she picked up. With a sigh, she left the hallway to go have a very uncomfortable conversation. 

Ava didn't know that Lilith was trying to talk to her, all she knew was that they had kissed a week ago and hadn't had the chance to talk about it. She would have brought it up on Wednesday, finally collecting all her courage, except Lilith's face was stone cold, all emotions gone, just as she had been for the past several months. 

"Lilith?" Ava tried to catch her attention in the locker room, but all she got was the cold shoulder and a "we should be focusing on the race, Ava." All progress in their limbo friendship had been wiped out in a single night, and Ava didn't know what she had done wrong. 

She was understandably distracted, Lilith was  _ hot _ when she was angry, and she was riding like her ass was on fire.

Ava knew that morning that her chances of winning tomorrow had just disappeared. Lilith was a solid two seconds faster than Ava at every checkpoint along the track on Wednesday, but Ava knew that racing against Lilith had put her in a position to take second, currently .536 seconds faster than the racers from other teams. They only raced a half day, taking the rest of the afternoon to prepare for Thursday's race, and Ava spent it locked up in her room. She wrote a letter to Diego, wanting to let him know what was going on in her life, feeling bad for responding so late (and yeah, she knows they could email, but there's sentimental value in a letter.) 

Race day came, and Ava was excited. She felt more prepared than ever before, and she walked onto the track with all her swagger, only to falter when she saw Lilith. Her race suit this week was dark blue, different than their team training suits, and Ava thought the blue made her look that much prettier. She herself was in green, having picked up a massive sponsorship from Monster in the last couple of months, and so she had forgone the Yamaha silver for their much cooler green.

Distraction aside, Ava felt good about today, confident in her mental map and her turns. Their free runs went quickly, Ava qualifying third overall behind the Ducati racer that had crashed in Spain, so she wasn't too concerned. She knew he would be coming out aggressive today, hoping to keep his second position all the way through and win big world cup points, but Ava was coming for him. She had laid down faster times over the last week, and despite her inconsistencies, she was ultimately racing against Lilith, and she had kept up with her well enough to feel confident on this track.

They crawled into their starting positions about 15 minutes before the scheduled race start, and Ava sat there, airpods in, visualizing her track and listening to Camila ramble on about the conditions. It was sunny and hot, so they had gone with the medium tires, knowing the heat would make the tires diminish faster, and since this was a 30 lap race, Ava would have to be more strategic with her passes. She had to be more conscious of her tires and her engine, and since there were sharper turns, her engine was going to take a beating if she wasn't careful. 

"Just, please be careful. Oh! Here comes Beatrice." Ava looked up at that, and hurried to take out her airpods before the crew chief could see. She knew it was acceptable, but she still felt self-conscious, as if every action was under a microscope. 

"Ava, please be gentle today. You've done well the last couple of days, but please, for the love of everybody, don't take turn 13 as sharp as you have been. We don't need you crashing because of dick-face over there. Please be smart, for Lilith's sake." And then Beatrice is gone, on her way to talk to Lilith. 

Ava's brain feels scattered, unable to connect thoughts.  _ Lilith wants you? Or does she just want to be friends? What does it mean? Beatrice can't just drop a comment like that five minutes before a race. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! _ Ava doesn't have much time to work herself up completely, Camila is taking her phone out of her hands, holding out the other for Ava's airpods and Ava deposits them on autopilot. This is going to be the biggest test to her mental toughness, but she's even more motivated than ever to race well. She wants Lilith to be proud of her after tonight.

With a renewed vigor, Ava focuses on what is in front of her. She has 500 meters of straightaway to put as much distance between her and the racer behind her before going into the first hairpin turn on this track. It's to the left, her strong side, so Ava knows she can be defensive in this turn by cutting it close to keep anybody from passing underneath her. She pulls her helmet on, watches the lights,  _ red, red, red, red, red, green _ and takes off. She swerves a little to the inside, effectively cutting off the fourth position as she accelerates to 100 mph. She can see Lilith ahead of her, works to match the line that she's laying down, hoping to create a situation where she only has to beat two racers for first and not worry about fourth at all. 

Ava's close behind the racer in second, close enough to feel the slipstream, and she's so tempted to ride it out, but turn 5 is a long, sloping curve that she doesn't want to misjudge. The ribbon is under her wheels for a few seconds before she veers left heading into 6. Her eyes are still glued in front of her, more focused on the track than anything else, and she falls into the comfort of racing in no time. Her movements are all automatic, sticking a foot out on 11 for the drag, tucking in after three seconds to have enough momentum to swing over into 12, easing off the accelerator going into 13 and feeling the tilt of the bike under her hips. She rides smooth, staying low, but she's stronger now, her knee hovering over the ground but not touching, maintaining her speed. Her engine practically purrs as she comes out of turn 15 and she's on the heels of the racer in second. They're coming into turn 16, which opens up to the straightaway by the start line, and Ava is tempted to go for the outside pass that the Ducati's left wide open, but she hears Beatrice in her head, "please be smart, for Lilith's sake."

So she waits, slips in behind the rider in front of her, watches the boards, sees lap 15 shown, and knows she's going to have to make her final move on this lap. She can feel the change in her tires, has been keeping track of their grip on each turn, and as she gains speed behind the Ducati, Ava starts taking a line for a quick inside pass onto turn 1. It's a clean pass, her agility keeping her from clipping the front of his tire as she leaves the turn, now almost a full length in front of him. It's just her and Lilith now, and Ava is torn between wanting to win and wanting to be safe.

She knows that any move made is going to have to be fully calculated, no snap judgements. She can't risk taking them both out, considering this race could make or break Lilith's world cup standings. But at the same time, she's fully committed to winning, wants to win to prove to Lilith that she belongs here, that she is a capable racer. Ava lets her body take her through another two laps as she contemplates trying to pass Lilith. It's stupid to let herself get this distracted, racing is just as much mental as it is physical, and she's just now catching the sound of a third engine. Since they're nearing the end of lap 20, Ava figures she can slip in behind Lilith, catch a little bit of her momentum, give her engine a rest for a few seconds, and then coast into turn 1 and cut off the pass that will surely come from the inside. 

It's what any smart racer would do, take the inside on a turn such as this, so Ava slides over to the inside line, protecting her spot and Lilith's, playing a little bit of team defense. Whoever is behind her is relentless, sneaking up and trying to pass outside and inside of Ava, but she's just as quick to cut them off at every moment. She knows it's not the smartest, sometimes you have to cede one turn in order to come back on another pass later, but Ava is determined to finish next to Lilith.

As it is, Ava isn't necessarily thinking of her own safety in that moment, she just wants to win or come in second. So if she's a little more aggressive on defense? Who can blame her? She's set to finish in her highest position ever, in her second GP race  _ ever _ and it's hardly heard of these days. Swiping away a visor to a clean view, Ava reaches out with her senses to feel how close the rider is behind her. 

She accelerates perhaps a little too early coming out of the turn on 16 in order to avoid him, and she feels the wheels of her bike wiggle a little bit, telling her that she has to change her tactic. She doesn't have much left, there's only 5 more laps, she can make it as is, but she decides to go for it, using the straightaway to get up right behind Lilith. The gap between second and third grows, and she hopes she can maintain it, but she  _ knows _ how tight turn 1 is. What she didn't plan for was somebody else being as stupid as she is, so as she sticks her foot out to slow herself down to go into the turn, she isn't expecting there to be another bike. 

She sees the red of the Ducati on her right,  _ moving for an illegal pass, _ and knows it's over. She's tilted too far to pull out of this turn safely this early, so she just puts her shoulder into it and keeps her turn line the same. She hears his bike go over the ribbons beside her, prays that he can accelerate before he runs out of ribbon and make it out in front of her safely. Her arms are shaking, trying to keep the bike from laying out, her abs tight and her legs squeezing the bike to keep it in her 58 degree tilt. She begins to pull out of her turn just where she practiced, right at the end of the ribbon, is shifting her hips to go into turn 2 and the next thing she knows, she's flying through the air. It's so disorienting that she can't even try to wrangle her body in a position to slide out safely, and she's just grateful for the airbag in her suit that will protect her from serious damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so obviously we are getting to the angsty (?) part of this fic. I feel it necessary to state that I have taken a few creative liberties with the timing of the Grand Prix circuit for the sake of the fic. Also, I feel it important to say that this fic is purely something that I want to write, as it has been awfully cathartic for me, and as such, it may not be what everybody wants it to be. However, if you continue to enjoy it, I am not so humble and can fully admit I desire validation and feedback. Finally, a massive thanks to Firedancer34 for dealing with me and this fic.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down. Feelings happen too I guess

She hits the ground and all the air is knocked out of her lungs. There are stars in her eyes when she blinks, and her ears are ringing. Her right arm  _ burns _ , feels like it's being snapped in two and she can feel where her elbow has dug into her ribs. Luckily, it seems as if she's landed in the gravel off to the side, and she'd be more concerned with herself if she wasn't trying to find where her bike landed to figure out how much shit she's going to be in with Beatrice.  _ It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault _ her brain is telling her; the Ducati performed an illegal pass, that he was more stupid, but Ava knows that she wasn't being smart either. In playing great defense, she had forgotten about playing offense and as a result, she's on the gravel, curled up on her side, trying to get air in her lungs. 

There's a hand on her shoulder, trying to get her to stand so they can get out of the way of the race in case there's another crash, but Ava can't hear a word the people in orange are saying. Somebody pulls her up by her arms, and she lets out a howl at the pain that shoots down her right arm. Her fingers are numb but the rest of her arm is  _ so _ sensitive it feels like she's been stabbed. She cradles her right arm to her chest with her left hand, guided to the side of the track by two hands on her shoulders. Each step feels like she's walking through molasses and she can barely pick her feet up, her head still spinning. A blink to clear her vision and then she's sitting back in the locker room. There's a light in her eyes, a finger she's supposed to follow, words floating above her, but she can't focus on anything except the pain in her arm. Camila's voice rings through the haze, and Ava looks up at her crewman.

"Ava, Ava, can you hear me?" Ava nods, slowly, as if she isn't sure what to say. "Okay, let's get you out of your gear then so we can get you to the hospital." Then Camila's hands are on her shoulders, moving to unclip the buckle of her helmet, pulling it off and finally it feels like Ava can breathe a little easier. She moves to help Camila unzip her suit, but the minute she tries to wrap her fingers around the zipper, she cries out, each twitch of her fingers sending pain shooting up her arm. Camila is there, one hand coming to support Ava's broken arm, the other working the zipper down. 

"Okay, Ava, I'm going to have to take your gloves off. I'm sorry it's going to hurt, but we have to get you out of the suit." Ava's grateful for Camila, for explaining what's going on, because then there's a tug on her left hand and matching tug on her right hand. Tears stream down her face, the pain overwhelming. 

"Cam, it hurts, it- it really hurts." 

"I know Aves, just a little bit longer and we'll get you feeling better." While it still hurts from getting her hand out of her glove, whoever is helping Camila get Ava undressed goes with the 'rip the band-aid off' method and pulls her arm out of the sleeve. Her fingers are finally feeling again, but it's not pleasant at all, fire spreading to the tips of her nerves. From there, it doesn't take long to get Ava out of her gear. The boots come off easily, and Camila stands Ava up to get her totally undressed. She's down to her racing leggings and her undershirt, and it's finally cool again (racing gear in the Australian summer had been so hot) and Ava is just  _ tired. _ The adrenaline is wearing off, and her arm hurts, her head hurts, her ribs ache from her elbow digging into them (presumably from when she tried to cushion her fall by sticking her arm out. She also assumes this is what broke her arm.) All Ava really wants is some ice, water, and all the drugs to make it  _ stop hurting. _

Camila's got Ava's left arm thrown over her shoulders, supporting Ava's waist with her freehand and is walking them out of the locker rooms and into the waiting car. Somewhere along the way, shoes are put on her feet and she's wrapped in her favorite hoodie, but Ava's brain is fogged with pain and she's just trying not to cry. Everything is a blur, the doctor takes some x-rays, comes back fifteen minutes later and declares the need for surgery or there's going to be irreparable nerve damage if there isn't already and then Ava's getting stuck with an IV of really strong painkillers and she's out. Her sleep doesn't even feel like sleep. Instead it's more like missing four hours of time, waking up feeling nothing but incredibly thirsty and annoyed at all the sounds. Camila is there, offering Ava a sip of water, and then Ava's falling asleep again. 

This time, when she wakes, it's dark out, and the beeping is more subdued. She's less groggy this time, takes a look down at her arm, hoping it was all a dream. Like the idiot she is, she tries to wiggle her fingers where they lay, strapped to her chest, and that was a  _ mistake _ because there's more fire in her arm and she lets out a groan, unable to keep her pain inside. She must wake somebody, because there's a hand on her shoulder (when did she curl in on herself?) and there's a soothing voice in her ear. 

"It's okay, Ava. Just breathe. Listen to my voice." The words continue, but Ava can't keep track of what is actually being said. All she can focus on is the fact that the hand on her shoulder is warm and the voice in her ear is warm and that her body feels warm in the presence of this person. When she gains her bearings and looks up, she's surprised to see Lilith standing next to her, follows the line from the hand on her shoulder to where it connects with Lilith's body.

Lilith brings her other hand to rest on Ava's cheek, thumbing away the tears that have escaped Ava's eyes. "You're okay. I know it hurts." Her voice is soothing, no trace of anything but concern in her tone. She presses her lips to Ava's forehead, feels Ava lean into the touch and lingers. 

**

_ When she had finished her race, she was high on the victory. A new track record had been set, and Lilith had raced one of the best times of her career. She had felt Ava's energy this morning, knew she was going to have to push herself to keep her spot, and she had never been more grateful for Ava in her life. What she didn't know was that Randall from the Ducati team had been just as hungry as Lilith, and that Ava had spent 5 laps playing defense before he made an illegal pass that flipped Ava's bike. Beatrice had told her that someone had crashed as soon as it had happened, but she hadn't said who it was. Lilith should've put the pieces together when she watched the rest of the riders file in after her and didn't see the bright green that Ava was racing in that day. She turned to Beatrice the minute the podium ceremony was over, "take me to her." No words were exchanged the whole way, Beatrice already ready with Lilith's bag packed.  _

_ They tumbled into the car, Lilith still in her gear, hands in a white knuckle grip on her helmet as Beatrice drove them to the hospital. When they got there, Beatrice found all the room information and learned that Ava was in surgery,  _ **_surgery_ ** _ , but that Camila had already secured her a private recovery room on the third floor. Lilith and Beatrice took the elevator, silent the whole way. When they get there, Camila is on the phone, talking with the head of Yamaha Lilith assumes, and she waves Beatrice and Lilith into the room. It's only when Lilith squeaks as she goes to sit down that she remembers she's still in her gear. _

_ She hands Beatrice her helmet in exchange for her bag and makes her way into the bathroom to change. She runs her hands under some cool water, splashing her face in an attempt to clear the sweat. She changes quickly, runs a brush through her hair, and then walks out to wait with Beatrice and Camila. " _

_ Tell me what happened." Lilith demands. She doesn't look at either one of them, bores holes into the floor between her feet as she listens to Camila tell her exactly what happened.  _

_ "Ava was coming into turn 2 after blocking Randall from passing inside on turn 1. He had been trying to pass her for three or four laps by this point, but Ava's defensive game was strong. For a minute, it looked like he might back off, this was lap 25, I think,"  _

_ Beatrice interrupts, "it was stupid on Ava's part to try and block him for that many laps but she's not to blame for this Lilith. It almost looked like she was trying to protect you." Lilith lets out a sigh, unsure of what to make of that information.  _

_ "Anyway," Camila continues, "Randall went for the inside pass, risking the time delay for being on the ribbons too long but Ava had taken the tightest line, just like in practice, so he had no choice. It was either the ribbons or an outside pass that wouldn't have worked. Ava was just riding how she had been all week, beginning the acceleration out of the turn when Randall ran out of ribbon. He jerked in front of her as she was accelerating, catching her front tire with the back of his bike and she flipped. If it wasn't so damaging it might have even been cool. She reached out to try and soften the landing with her hand, as any human does, but she had caught major air and was coming down hard. It looked like her arm just crumpled. She hit the floor and didn't move until the medics got there." Camila does her best to keep the emotion out of her voice, but she was never as good at it as Beatrice. _

_ Lilith nods, accepts that Ava was just racing her normal line and happened to get stuck next to a racer like Randall. "And Randall, what's his status?" The petty part of Lilith hopes that Randall got stuck under his bike as he slid out, but ultimately, she would never wish that on anyone. It was painful and caused a lot of damage.  _

_ "He's been disqualified, obviously for the illegal pass, but he just slid out, no harm." Beatrice is matter-of-fact when she speaks, although Lilith can catch the disappointment in her voice.  _

_ "Well at least he didn't even get to finish the race. A DNF and a disqualification should keep him out of cup contention." Lilith pinches the bridge of her nose. Being a female racer is by no means easy, there aren't very many of them, and even fewer at the GP level. "Camila, did Ava's doctor give you any information?"  _

_ "Just the basics. They've gone in to place a plate, the bone shifted when it broke, it was pretty gruesome on the x-rays. I'm kind of glad Ava didn't really know what was going on. They're concerned about nerve damage since Ava kept muttering about how she couldn't feel her fingers. We'll know more when they're done." Lilith nodded, and leaned back into her seat. She hoped it didn't take too long, she wanted to see Ava for herself, make sure she was okay with her own two eyes. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, hoping to keep the panic at bay. This whole situation was so confusing for her; she liked Ava, like  _ **_liked_ ** _ Ava, but she was so afraid of it becoming a distraction that she pushed those feelings so far down. And then Ava had seemed to shrug and take Lilith's coldness as a motivator, pushing herself harder to become the best racer she could. Lilith kept track of her wins in the provisional league, and knew all of her stats. And so she talked to Beatrice, had come up with the plan for Australia, had perfectly executed the plan until Ava stood there in the kitchen looking so soft. And Lilith had kissed her. _

_ Lilith kissed Ava and Ava kissed back. And then Lilith ran, but Ava seemed okay with giving Lilith space to work through her shit, which Lilith appreciated. She knew it wasn't fair, but she was extremely grateful to have met someone like Ava. She had been looking forward to the few days off after the race to recover. The beaches in Australia were great for surfing, and Lilith had the strange urge to drag Ava to the beach and teach her. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she wanted to see Ava in a bikini, but now, her plans were fucked six ways to Sunday. But she could make it work.  _

_ She would help Ava recover, get on her feet. Knowing how much racing meant to Ava helped Lilith. Ava loved the freedom of racing, and Lilith had never had that. Ava was a breath of fresh air on the circuit, someone who did it because they genuinely loved the sport; not for the money or the girls or the fame. Lilith was ready to fall in love with racing for herself because of Ava, she was ready to stick it to her mothers and race how she wanted to race, where she wanted to race, and that was all because of Ava. Lilith wasn't sure how long she had been trapped in her head, drowning in her thoughts, but soon there was a tap on her shoulder, and the sound of the door opening.  _

_ Camila was walking in (when had she left?) trailed by a couple nurses pushing Ava's bed. The smaller girl looked so fragile, her right arm strapped to her chest to prevent accidental movement too soon and tubes up her nose providing extra oxygen. Lilith walked over to observe Ava, to make sure she was as alright as possible. Her forehead was creased, and Lilith couldn't help but move to smooth it out with her thumb, letting her fingers linger on Ava's skin before she placed a soft kiss on Ava's hairline. There was the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor before Camila was pulling Lilith into the seat she had placed next to Ava's bed. _

_ Lilith picked up Ava's uninjured hand, pressed a kiss to her knuckles and settled in for a wait. "She had a rough time coming out of the anesthetic, so be prepared. I'm going to head back to the house and get her a change of clothes and take a shower. Call if you need anything." With that, Camila leaves and Beatrice pulls out a book from who knows where and quickly becomes absorbed in the words, leaving Lilith with some small privacy to express her feelings for the unconscious girl laying in front of her.  _

_ She opened her mouth, hoping to find words to say, then closed it a few seconds later when she decided that anything she had to say should be said when Ava was awake and coherent enough to understand it. So she settled for running her fingers through Ava's hair. It was sticky with sweat left over from the race, but at least there didn't appear to be any visible signs of head trauma for which Lilith was grateful. A traumatic brain injury would leave Ava unable to race ever again, and for a girl who loved it, that would be the most devastating outcome. Lilith chose to take her blessings where she could get them, grateful that Ava hadn't been crushed by her bike, grateful that she had only suffered major damage to her hand and arm instead of her ribs or internal organs. Yes, it would suck for Ava for the next several months, but Lilith was choosing to be optimistic for once, knowing that the only thing keeping her from calling her lawyer and suing Randall for all he was worth was the fact that Ava was here in front of her. However, the minute Ava was ready, Lilith was going to tear Randall to pieces. Every racer worth their salt knows that ribbon passes are illegal for a reason, knows how dangerous they are to not only your own life, but to the life of all the racers behind you. It was almost like signing a death sentence if you weren't 100% confident in your chances at passing. _

_ So she sat there, holding Ava's hand, watching her face, waiting for her to wake up. Camila's advisory of a rough re-entry was accurate, as it took Ava two or three times to fully wake up. The first time, Ava peeled her eyes open, blinked once, sneezed, and promptly fell back asleep.  _

_ "That was the cutest sound I have ever heard come from another human."  _

_ " _ _ Lilith, you're so gay." Beatrice responded. Lilith hadn't even known she said the words out loud. The second time, Ava woke up coughing, curling in on herself and managing to knock her broken arm. Luckily, it appeared that the nerve block was still effective because Ava didn't even flinch, just curled up under the blanket and went back to sleep. The final time happens well after the sun has set, and it seems to be the last time as Ava takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. Lilith had been over by the window, watching the traffic move on below them, making up stories about the occupants of the cars when she heard Ava groan in pain. Lilith watched as Ava curled in on herself in an attempt to protect her arm and only seemed to make things worse. Lilith rested her hand on Ava's shoulder, gently guiding her to lay back before soothing the other woman.  _

_ "It's okay, Ava. Just breathe. Listen to my voice. I've got you, you're okay. It's going to hurt for a little while, but you'll be okay. Just don't try to move your fingers. I've got you." Lilith doesn't even attempt to know what comes out of her mouth, just trying to ease Ava's pain with her voice. Ava turns her head in Lilith's direction, and Lilith moves to swipe away the tears that are on Ava's cheeks with her thumb. " _ You're okay. I know it hurts." 

The concern slips through Lilith's tone, and she presses her lips to Ava's forehead. They stay close for a long while, Ava just leaning into Lilith and Lilith running soothing fingers through Ava's hair. Ava intertwines the fingers of their free hands and squeezes.

Beatrice has stepped out of the room to alert a doctor, and their moment of peace is interrupted by a flurry of white coats. So many questions are thrown around, asking Ava if she can feel this, feel that, does it hurt, where does it hurt, can she move her fingers, blah, blah, blah. It's overwhelming for Lilith and she's completely coherent, so she can't imagine what it must be like for Ava. But their hands stay connected, it seems the doctors know not to separate them, and eventually, they give Ava some more pain meds and Ava scoots over, patting the free space she's just created. "Hold me?" Her voice breaks with a yawn, and Lilith only hesitates for a second before Ava's very powerful puppy eyes win her over. She carefully climbs into bed beside Ava and wraps her arms around her, careful of her injury. "You'll be okay, Ava. I'll be here the whole time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't say i didn't warn you. this fic is going to get heavy


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter to celebrate the end of my school week and satisfy my need for validation. We get a little bit of tension but a lot of comfort after the last chapter.

It wasn’t easy. Ava was  _ the worst _ patient ever. Her pain tolerance wasn’t the greatest (which is good, really. It means her body was doing it’s job at protecting her) and so after the doctors had done their initial evaluation, they had placed another nerve block. It was weird, to say the least; Ava had gone from feeling  _ too much _ to feeling absolutely nothing in the span of a few minutes after the injection. It was dislocating to say the least. If she didn’t look down and stare at her hand strapped to her chest, she’s pretty sure she would think she didn’t even have a right arm. Lilith was on constant alert, reminding Ava that she shouldn’t be poking her arm to make sure it’s there. 

“Ava, you have to stop. You don’t want to do more damage just because you can’t feel your arm.” To remedy the situation, Lilith decided she was going to hold onto Ava’s left hand for the rest of the day. By dinner time, Ava was ready to be discharged after one last thorough evaluation by the orthopedist who had performed the surgery. Everything looked good for the moment, so he signed them out with strict instructions to come back if the feeling in Ava’s hand doesn’t return in a couple days.

Beatrice had gone back to the house after Ava had fallen back asleep to make sure everything was in order for their return, but she had come back with Camila to sort out the last of the documentation with the team doctors and the hospital. Together, Lilith, Camila, and Beatrice tag-teamed to get Ava into her sweatpants and a button up flannel, and Lilith was grateful she didn’t have to try and wrangle 125 pounds of jelly into the car by herself. Ava was the least cooperative person she had ever met, and yet, Lilith couldn’t help but admire the unfair way Ava looked so attractive after having just spent 36 hours in a hospital. She sat in the back of the car with Ava, still holding onto Ava’s left hand to keep her from picking at her numb fingers. Ava’s head dropped onto her shoulder, and Ava had started drawing patterns onto Lilith’s palm. 

“Thank you, for being here for me.” Her voice was a whisper, and if the car wasn’t completely silent, Lilith isn’t sure she would have heard Ava’s words at all. Lilith looked up startled and met Beatrice’s eyes in the rearview mirror, only to see a smirk on the other woman’s face. She wasn’t helping Lilith feel less nervous. 

“I want to be here for you.”

When they arrived back at the house, Ava met with the team doctors one last time before she was led into her room by Beatrice who had moved everything within reach on her bed so Ava wouldn’t have to strain her body reaching for her laptop. 

“Don’t worry about cooking for the next couple of days, Camila’s figured everything out for your meals and if you have any trouble, we’re all available. Except maybe stay away from the boys. They don’t help out much in this family.” 

“Thank you for doing this, Beatrice. I don’t know what I would do without you guys. I’ve never really had a family before.” 

Beatrice just smiled, “you’d do it for us,” and left the room with a pat to the top of Ava’s head. Ava was exhausted despite sleeping for so long at the hospital. Her body ached and all she really wanted was ten uninterrupted hours of sleep before seeing anybody else. Unfortunately for her, she also really,  _ really,  _ wanted a shower. The best she had gotten was having the sweat wiped off her face at the hospital, and she could feel the salt on her skin pulling tight and she knew that she would sleep better if she was clean. 

So she started trying to undress herself, only successful in undoing the buttons on her shirt before there was a knock on her door. Ava, completely unbothered by the fact that she was practically bare from the waist up, opened her bedroom door without bothering to ask who was on the other side. When she saw Lilith standing there, her cheeks flushed and if she had more energy, she would’ve tried to hide, but as it was, Ava didn’t give a fuck if the woman she was crushing on saw her naked.

Lilith, however, seemed to short circuit just a little bit, opening her mouth to speak only to close it and clear her throat. “I uh- I was wondering if you needed, um, help changing into pajamas.” Ava steps aside, waving her in with her free hand. 

“Actually, perfect timing. Can you help me take a shower?” Ava’s blunt and to the point, completely ignoring the voice in her head that’s telling her this is a bad idea, that she should’ve asked Camila or Mary or even Beatrice for help.  _ Anybody but the woman you have a crush on, Ava. Way to make this awkward. _ Ava’s already working at untying the bow on the front of her sweatpants and trying to shimmy them down her hips with her non-dominant hand when Lilith’s hands rest on her waist. Her long fingers are cold, and Ava shivers and squirms away.  “Your hands are like icicles! It’s summer! How is that even possible?” Lilith just laughs and runs her hands down Ava’s left arm, watching the goosebumps appear as Ava tries to run away. 

“Poor circulation, space heater. Let’s get you undressed and I’ll help you shower.”

Together they make quick work of getting Ava undressed, her pants only getting caught on  _ one ankle thank you very much. _

“We can’t get your bandages wet, so you’ll have to stick with a bath for tonight.” Lilith walks into the bathroom to start the water, and while she’s there she has a thought. “Do you want any rubber ducks? I think we have some measuring spoons in the kitchen if you want bath toys.” Ava groans in response, and Lilith can’t help but chuckle. The playful banter is helping her keep her mind out of the gutter at seeing Ava naked, and she can’t help but tease at Ava’s age. The four year difference really isn’t that bad, but it’s just enough that Ava hasn’t heard of some of the classic bops that Lilith listened to in high school. 

“Hardy-har-har.” Ava grumbles as she walks into the bathroom. “No, I don’t require bath time entertainment, unless you’re offering.” She says with a wink at the end, and Lilith can feel her cheeks heat once more. Ava doesn’t seem to notice Lilith’s hesitation, strutting right past her and dipping one toe in the water, “just to make sure you didn’t make it ice cold.” Satisfied, she sits all the way down and leans back against the rim of the tub. 

“No splashing please, you don’t want to have to go back to the hospital for new bandages.” 

“Okay, Mom.” The eye roll is audible despite Ava’s closed eyes.

Lilith leaves the bathroom in an attempt to give Ava some privacy, but she comes back when Ava calls for her. “I need help standing up. Who knew that only having one arm would throw off my balance this much?” Trying to pull Ava out of the slippery tub is like trying to herd a cat. They seem to be operating on completely different wavelengths, but eventually, Ava is wrapped in her towel and heading towards the bedroom to put her pajamas on. 

Eventually, Ava manages to get dressed and into bed, tucking herself under the covers. Lilith heads for the door, stopping with her hand on the door knob before turning and wishing Ava goodnight. “I hope you sleep well. If you wake up at all, come find me.” With that, she steps out of the room, leaving the door open just a crack before making her way into the kitchen. 

It wasn’t really that late, all things considered, so she set about making herself a cup of hot chocolate, needing something to help ground her after just spending an hour helping Ava get naked. Her little gay heart was pounding, and she’s honestly surprised she managed to keep her composure for so long. She was staring so intently at her hot chocolate, watching the spoon make swirls in the liquid, that she didn’t hear Beatrice enter the kitchen. 

“How’s your girl?” 

Lilith startled, dropping her spoon into the mug and jumping away from the counter. She levelled a glare at her oldest friend, “she’s not my girl.” 

Beatrice lets out a laugh. “Sure, keep telling yourself that. Ava is head over heels in love with you.”

Lilith just shrugs, she caught the glances Ava kept sending her way, knew Ava had feelings for her, but Lilith also knew that being with her was… difficult to say the least. Her mothers had drilled it into her head that she should only focus on racing, save the distractions for after her career.

That sentiment was only solidified after she started dating Isabel and had one of the most average seasons of her life. Her crash rate that year was higher than normal, and she only managed to finish in the top 10 in the world cup race, a disappointment she wasn’t keen on committing again. Beatrice must’ve seen the look on her face, because she promptly jumped in. 

“Lilith, you were recovering from that four bike crash that season. It’s perfectly normal to have a tough season coming back from any of those injuries.” 

Intellectually, Lilith knew that Beatrice was right, that it wasn’t her relationship with Isabel that was to blame, nor was it a distraction. In fact, her relationship with Isabel had been the only thing that got her back onto her bike after the worst crash of her life. Lilith had met Isabel in a coffee shop and Isabel had no idea that women raced MotoGP and had been fascinated to learn everything about the sport. Lilith taught her as best she could, frustrated that she wasn’t racing herself. Her life those 18 months were the closest to “normal” she ever got. Date nights and vacations together, nothing interrupted by racing schedules or training days. Her mothers were extremely unhappy with Lilith that year, upset that she wasn’t putting her efforts where they demanded, and despite Lilith being her happiest, her mothers had come in and ruined it. Luckily for Lilith, Isabel had her own career and understood that their relationship wasn’t going to be one to end in a wedding, so they parted on good terms, and occasionally kept in touch over social media.

Nonetheless, Lilith had resisted seriously dating anybody for a long time, heart fully protected by her motorcycle and a grueling race schedule. 

“I’m just saying, it’s not like your mothers care anymore.” Despite the cold words, Lilith knew Beatrice was right. Her parents couldn’t be bothered to remember they had daughters, too busy with their lives. Delilah and Lilith had grown closer when it became apparent that they were the only family the other had now. That didn’t mean Lilith was necessarily ready to date, either. She was satisfied with her life, hadn’t felt the need for sex in a long time, the rush from riding enough for her. Even so, she couldn’t deny the feelings in her stomach when she shared space with Ava, or the reaction she felt when she had helped Ava tonight. That was why she was here, making hot chocolate at 10:30 hoping to calm her nerves down enough to be able to sleep tonight.

She and Beatrice sat in the kitchen together in their misery. “So your parents called then?” Lilith asked. Beatrice always stayed up too late when she had heard from her parents, politicians back in England who very much didn’t approve of her lifestyle. A nod was all Lilith got in response, so she moved up to the booze cabinet above the stove. She pulled out one of the bottles of whiskey the racers were gifted and poured a heavy shot into her cup of hot chocolate before passing it over to Beatrice. 

They would share their drink and numb the pain together. An hour passed, the hot chocolate gone, and Lilith and Beatrice left the kitchen for their own spaces. Lilith changed into her fuzziest pajamas, the ones with little penguins that Mary had gifted her for Christmas last year, and crawled under her blankets, hoping that sleep would come easily tonight. She closed her eyes, focused on breathing, clearing her mind of her thoughts, acknowledging them as they came into her mind and carefully pushing them out of her conscious thought. Eventually, she felt herself drift off.

**

She woke to a sharp knock on her bedroom door. Hoping that whoever wanted her attention could wait until morning, Lilith didn’t bother getting out of bed, instead snuggling further into her pillow. The sound of tears from outside her door had Lilith dragging herself out of bed. Upon opening the door, Lilith had to react quickly to catch Ava, who had been leaning against it. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” a sob interrupts her sentence, “but it hurts, and I can’t open the pill bottle.” Ava held up the orange bottle, practically shoving it into Lilith’s chest. Lilith took it from her shaking hand, wrapping an arm around Ava’s waist and guiding her to sit on her bed. She made quick work of the lid, double checking the dosage before coming back with her water bottle and handing Ava one of the pills.

“Here, Aves, open your mouth.” Ava was crying so hard, Lilith wasn’t even sure she could take a breath in order to take the medication. Eventually, she got Ava to swallow the pill with some water, and she wrapped the smaller girl into her arms. The nerve block must’ve worn off while Ava was asleep, so she woke to a throbbing broken arm. “You’re okay, Ava. I’ve got you. I know it hurts, but it’ll pass.” Ava curled further into Lilith, resting her head in the crook of Lilith’s neck, cheeks wet and nose snotty, but Lilith didn’t care. She rocked back and forth, hoping to soothe Ava enough for the smaller woman to fall asleep. It didn’t seem to be working particularly well, so Lilith picked up the book she had been reading last night off her night stand. Opening to the page she had bookmarked, she began to read aloud the words of Ursula Le Guin.

“Blackbeard returned Birt’s look. Clever black eyes met candid blue ones for a long moment; then Blackbeard smiled and said, “Yes, Will you take me up to the hill, Birt?” “Aye, when I’m done with this,” said the fisherman. And when the net was mended, he and the Archipelagan set off up the village street towards the high green hill above it. But as they crossed the common Blackbeard said, “Hold on a while, friend Birt. I have a tale to tell you, before we meet your wizard.” “Tell away,” says Birt, sitting down in the shade of a live-oak.” Lilith notices that as she reads, Ava seems to be calming, so she continues. “’It’s a story that started a hundred years ago, and isn’t finished yet – though it soon will be, very soon… In the very heart of the Archipelago, where the islands crowd thick as flies on honey, there’s a little isle called Pendor. The sealords of Pendor were mighty men, in the old days of war before the League. Loot and ransom and tribute came pouring into Pendor, and they gathered a great treasure there, long ago. Then from somewhere away out in the West Reach, where dragons breed on the lava isles, came on day a very mighty dragon.” Ava snorted in Lilith’s lap, a sure sign that she must be feeling better now that the pain meds had kicked in. 

“Dragons aren’t real Lilith, but if they were, I would slay one for you.” Lilith looked down at Ava, unsure of how with it Ava was, or if she was high on pain meds and a lack of sleep. But when she met Ava’s eyes, there were no hints of incoherence; Ava was serious. Lilith felt the blush crawl up her face all the way to the tips of her ears. They held eye contact for a few more seconds before Lilith cleared her throat and continued.

“’Not one of those overgrown lizards most of you Outer Reach folk call dragons, but a big, black, winged, wise cunning monster, full of strength and subtlety, and like all dragons loving gold and precious stones above all things. He killed the Sealord and his soldiers, and the people of Pendor fled in their ships by night. They all fled away and left the dragon coiled up in Pendor Towers. And there he stayed for a hundred years, dragging his scaly belly over the emeralds and sapphires and coins of gold, coming forth only once in a year or two when he must eat. He’d raid nearby islands for his food. You know what dragons eat?” Birt nodded and said in a whisper, “Maidens.” “Right,” said Blackbeard. “Well, that couldn’t be endured forever, nor the thought of him sitting on all that treasure. So after the League grew strong, and the Archipelago wasn’t so busy with wars and piracy, it was decided to attack Pendor, drive out the dragon, and get the gold and jewels for the treasury of the League. They’re forever wanting money, the League is. So a huge fleet gathered from fifty islands, and seven Mages stood in the prows of the seven strongest ships, and they sailed towards Pendor… They got there. They landed. Nothing stirred. The houses all stood empty, the dishes on the tables full of a hundred years’ dust. The bones of the old Sealord and his men lay about in the castle courts and on the stairs. And the Tower rooms reeked of dragon. But there was no dragon. And no treasure, not a diamond the size of a poppyseed, not a single silver bead … Knowing that he couldn’t stand up to seven Mages, the dragon had skipped out. They tracked him, and found he’d flown to a deserted island up north called WON they followed his trail there, and what did they find? Bones again. His bones – the dragon’s. But no treasure. A wizard, some unknown wizard from somewhere, must have met him single-handed, and defeated him-and then made off with the treasure, right under the League’s nose!””

Lilith went to continue, but when she looked back down at Ava, the other woman had fallen asleep. With careful motions, Lilith deposits her book on her table, dog earring the page, before sliding down her pillows with Ava in her arms. They end up cuddled together, Lilith’s arm trapped behind Ava’s head that’s come to rest on her chest. Out of sheer sleepiness, Lilith decides not to overthink it and join the smaller woman in slumber.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! Here's another chapter. If you guys enjoy it, don't forget to drop a kudo's or a comment, they feed my soul (and as a soul-eater for this year's spoopy season, I need to be fed)

Waking the next morning, Ava went to roll over, only to be held in place by an arm around her hips. Looking up, she met eyes with Lilith, who was holding her phone carefully above her face but looking down at Ava. 

“I swear to God, de la Cruz, if there are pictures of us on that device I will  _ kill _ you.” Ava makes her threat, but she knows that the pain in her words makes it impossible to take her seriously. As if to prove the point, Lilith opens her camera and takes a selfie of the two of them, Ava frowning up at the camera and Lilith grinning like the cat who ate the canary. Ava sits up carefully, fully aware of the throbbing in her arm, and scrubs a hand down her face, hoping to clear the sleep from her eyes. There’s drool on the corner of her mouth and she knows she must look a sight, but she’s just glad that Lilith didn’t seem to mind. She moves to get out of bed, has seemed to forget about her immobile right hand that she tries to reach out to push off the bed with, and she completely falls back into Lilith. Laughter escapes her before she can die from embarrassment and Lilith puts a hand on her back to shove her out of the bed. 

“Damn, if you didn’t want to sleep with me you could’ve just said so.” The smile on her face spread wider at the indignant look on Lilith’s face. 

“Anybody ever tell you that you’re insufferable, Ava Silva?”

Ava laughs on her way out the door, but she manages to knock into the door jam with her shoulder and she freezes, eyes screwed shut. 

“Ava, are you okay?” Lilith had come up behind her, hand hovering in the space over her shoulder, afraid of hurting the woman further. Ava nodded, releasing a slow breath. 

“Just wish I was less clumsy.”

Together, they head into the kitchen for breakfast, following the smell of bacon. Camila and Mary are already there, the latter standing over the stove flipping pancakes and the former at the table with a cup of tea and her phone.

“Oh good! You’re both awake. We have some things to discuss. We’re just waiting on Beatrice to finish her meeting with the execs, and then we’ll be good to go.” Camila’s brightness is a shock to Ava’s brain. She sits at the table, and braces her forehead against the cool wood. There’s a soft clink as a glass is set in front of her, followed by the soft taps of a pill. 

“It’s been over six hours, Ava. You’re good.” Ava looks over to Lilith to confirm Mary’s words and gets a nod, so she quickly downs her ibuprofen and is rewarded with a plate of pancakes perfectly cooked (there’s even chocolate chips on them!) with two slices of bacon. Eating is a little more difficult than Ava imagined, her left hand doesn’t know how to hold the fork and so every bite takes all her focus. No words are spoken, but the energy in the kitchen is relaxed, comfortable, and Ava listens to the sounds of pancakes hitting the pan and Camila typing away on her phone. Lilith has put the kettle back on for more tea and Ava tries to anticipate when it will start screaming. It’s pointless, but she’s never been one to do well in silence and this is how she keeps herself from saying something inappropriate at 9:30 in the morning. She’s just gotten into a rhythm with her fork when Beatrice walks into the room.

“Oh good, you’re all already here. I have good news and bad news. What would you like to hear first?” Ava stays quiet, eyes focused on her pancakes. She knows most of the news is going to be about her, and she is just hoping that Yamaha will put the time and money into her recovery so she doesn’t have to give up doing what she loves. She’s already got an email from Monster sitting in her inbox that she’s been avoiding looking at because she’s too afraid it will say they don’t want to extend her contract after the season. The thought of having raced two Grand Prix races and being washed out are just starting to take root in her brain; the last 48 hours hadn’t really given her the brain capacity to think about how her actions might be perceived by her sponsors or her teammates. She wanted this, had to prove it all over again after a crash that most likely put her out of the circuit completely until next year. Crawling her way back from provisional races like she didn’t deserve the chance she got. Refusing to look up from her plate, Ava doesn’t notice the looks shared across the room on her behalf, and so all she hears is Beatrice’s voice.

“Bad news first then. Ava, your bike will need some fixing, the front axle is out of alignment and the body will have to be buffed over. Good news is that the racing board took a look at the film and Randall made an illegal pass, clipping your tire as you tried to exit. He’s been disqualified from the race in the Czech Republic next month.” Well that’s one piece of the puzzle out of the way. Now Ava’s just worried that the next words out of Beatrice’s mouth are going to be about her lack of finesse and professional skills. But if Beatrice hadn’t mentioned it with the bad news, maybe her brain is just over thinking? Maybe she didn’t make a huge mistake in her race the other day. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It’s all she can think about, and as the women disperse to go about their day, Ava is on edge. She’s on edge when the team doctor comes back to the house to look at Ava’s arm, and she’s on edge as the fate of her racing career is basically determined in these next few hours. With the nerve block out of her system, she can feel almost everything, just not her first two fingers, which she needs in order to grip the handlebars of the bike and to brake. There’s only so much the computers can do, after all. She’s taken through a series of motions in her fingers, hoping to get them moving after such a dramatic shock. By the end of the appointment, her fingers are throbbing, but she can curl them into a sort of loose fist and extend them. 

According to Superion, their lead doctor, the placement of the plate and screws looks good and they can go ahead and cast her arm to keep it protected from accidentally getting bumped. They take a quick trip down to a local clinic, and Ava picks a deep purple. She has to keep her arm in a sling, but at least she no longer has to be completely immobile, allowed a few hours of freedom in order to encourage healing. They’re going to keep an eye on the nerve damage, and Ava prays that the bone shards didn’t sever the muscles that protect the nerves too badly. It’s a waiting game now, as her body heals and stitches itself back together under her skin.

By the time she makes it back to the house, she’s starving, in pain, and a little cranky. She had risked looking at the email from Monster in the car on the drive home and was relieved to see it was just well wishes for a smooth recovery and a congratulations on a good race (it wasn’t, she DNF’d) and so she was content. Her spirits were lifted even more when she walked into the house and quietly snuck into the kitchen where Lilith was making lunch, earbuds in and swaying to music Ava couldn’t hear.

Off the track and off her motorcycle, Lilith looked awkward, her tall structure, all arms and legs made her appear like a deer. Unfortunately, Lilith had the worst dance moves, attempting the running man but she couldn’t get her feet to slide on the floor, sockless toes gripping the hardwood. Ava couldn’t help but let out a laugh, head tossed back and her crankiness starting to dissipate already. Lilith startles, eyes wide, looking everything like a deer caught in the headlights before she levels a glare at Ava.

“I swear I’m not this bad. It’s all because I’m sore from the race.” 

“Mmmhm,” Ava hummed, not believing Lilith’s excuse for one minute. If she was really that sore, she wouldn’t have been busting a move thirty seconds ago. Choosing not to dwell on the moment, Ava just walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water and an apple. She had just taken a bite when Camila walked in, holding a silver sharpie. 

“Ava! Let me sign your cast! What color did you pick?” Ava choked a little on her water, the unexpected feeling of  _ family _ in her stomach catching her off guard. She whirled around, right arm still in her sling, but purple visible over the top of her hand. “Oh that’s such a pretty color. Goes well with your skin tone. Do you think we could get Monster to have you sponsor their Violet collection?” Camila’s excitement for Ava was new. Yes, she had grown close to her engineer, but this was more than just a professional relationship; this was what friendship felt like.

Ava liked the feeling, but she liked the feelings she felt in her stomach when she was with Lilith even more. The never ending butterflies, the way her heart would beat just a little bit faster, the way her skin tingled when Lilith smiled in her direction. Yeah, Ava loved friendship, but she wanted to explore with Lilith, wanted to get to be more than friends. As it was, she undid the straps on her sling, holding out her right arm for Camila to inspect her cast and find the perfect spot to put her signature.

“You know it’s only going to be on for a few weeks, right? Before I move into the splint?”

Camila scoffed, “it doesn’t matter how long you have it for. I want my name to be so visible nobody questions who your best friend is.” 

Lilith gives off a laugh at that, “you’ll have to get in line for best friend Camila. I think Mary will fight you for it.”

“Yeah but if I sign my name the biggest, then that means I’ll be ahead of Mary. But I don’t think anybody could be ahead of you, Lilith. Ava likes you the best.” Camila follows her words with a wink at the two of them, standing next to each other in the light of the refrigerator that hadn’t closed all the way.

Camila signs Ava’s cast, leaves the sharpie on the table with a smirk, and promptly leaves the kitchen, as if it was her sole mission to make Lilith and Ava interact in the same space. They still hadn’t talked about the kiss last week, and given everything that had happened, Ava was eager to have that conversation. She didn’t want to lose Lilith, but she also didn’t want to lose the chance of being with the older woman. It wasn’t everyday you had a crush on a literal goddess and she returned the feelings. 

So Ava reached over to grab the sharpie Camila had left behind, held it out to Lilith, and said, “your John Hancock, if you would.” Lilith snorted, pulled Ava’s hand closer to her so she could rotate Ava’s arm and find the perfect spot for her name. She found it, right over the spot she knew the scar was going to be, along the ridge of Ava’s forearm. Her script was beautiful on paper, but on the rough material of the cast, it looked more like the handwriting of a seven year old, so she drew a heart at the end to let Ava know who had signed it. Lilith’s hands lingered, brushing over Ava’s fingers, gently tapping the tips with her own fingers, a silent beat that only she could hear.

To be honest, Lilith knew what she wanted in that moment. She wanted to kiss Ava again, tell her how she felt. Tell Ava about how her heart plummeted when she had come off the track and learned of her crash, how she felt that night in the hospital, watching over Ava. To tell Ava how much she worried for her, how she had never had a teammate or a friend like Ava before. Lilith wanted to tell Ava how much she didn’t want to be just friends. But instead, all she could do was sit there, Ava’s hand in hers, tracing the length of Ava’s fingers as she gathered her courage. 

When she looked up, Ava’s eyes were already on her face, patience so evident in the dark pools that Lilith almost lost the nerve. Instead of trying to speak, she put her hand on Ava’s cheek and tilted her head down, going slow enough that Ava could pull away if she wanted to. Instead, Lilith was surprised when Ava pushed up on her tiptoes and met her halfway, lips brushing over Lilith’s. It was slow, sweet, nothing like the frantic kiss Lilith had laid on Ava last week. No. This was a proper first kiss. Lilith wrapped her arms around Ava’s waist, running her hands down Ava’s ass to lift her into her arms. Ava gave a little hop, and Lilith pivoted, depositing the smaller girl on the counter, hands coming to frame her face. Ava brushed her uninjured hand through Lilith’s hair, keeping Lilith’s mouth on hers while she tried to grip Lilith’s shoulder with her injured hand. She let out a hiss of pain, and Lilith moved to pull away, to ask if Ava was alright, but the hand in her hair was insistent, keeping her where she was.

Their kiss was slow, both women taking their time to learn each other’s mouths, Lilith nipping at Ava’s bottom lip as she pulled away, resting her forehead against Ava’s. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.” Lilith was breathless, her words sincere. Ava let out a small laugh. 

“I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of how long you’ve wanted to kiss me.” They remained in each other’s space for a few more minutes, sharing air and breathing in the smell of each other. Eventually, Ava’s stomach growled, interrupting their moment and Lilith smiled. 

“If you want, I made some egg salad for lunch. I think there’s leftovers in the fridge.” Ava nodded but didn’t make any move to get off the counter, locked her ankles around Lilith’s hips to keep her where she was. Placing one last kiss on Lilith’s lips, Ava eventually let the other woman go before sliding off the counter with as much grace as possible. She and Lilith worked together in the kitchen, preparing a sandwich for Ava as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Lilith sat with her at the table as Ava ate, listening to Ava’s tale of how horrible her appointment was that morning, giving her an update on her injury.

“Superion thinks I’ll be back to training in a few weeks, depending on the extent of the nerve damage. It’s only affecting two fingers for now, but she said she knows a PT who has had good luck with other athletes in regaining motor function after sustaining nerve trauma. I’ll be flying out at the end of the week to go see her and get started on the physical therapy if everything looks good on Friday.”

“Ava, that's a pretty good timeline. You have four weeks before Prague, you could be racing there. You’d have to be extra careful of course, your arm is still broken, but that’s better than it was looking the other night!” Lilith is understandably excited, missing out on circuit races could be devastating to the mental health of a racer, and Lilith wanted Ava to understand that she had a chance. “Just remember, I’ll be here for you, every step of the way.” 

Ava set her sandwich down and grasped Lilith’s hands in hers, “Lilith, I don’t think you know how much that means to me. Growing up, I never had a family. I worked at the track and I guess you could say Duretti was my family, but he wasn’t. He only hired me because I was good at keeping track of all the stats. The orphanage had never been cozy, and Diego is the only person I consider family, but now I have you and Camila and Beatrice and even Mary. I’ve never been more grateful in my life. I’m just excited that I get to keep racing on the same team as you.” 

Ava picked up her sandwich with her left hand and let the fingers of her right hand stay intertwined with Lilith’s. Lilith pulled out her phone and her earbuds, giving one to Ava and putting the other in her right ear. Scrolling through her phone, she found a song that had resonated with her from the very first word to the last.

Sharing this part of herself with Ava, learning about Ava in return, this is what living felt like, and Lilith was so happy she got to live life with Ava. Life wouldn’t be easy, they both had their work laid out for them, but Lilith was excited to see where she and Ava ended up. Checking her watch, Lilith turns to Ava, searches her face, and she must find whatever she’s looking for (it’s the pinched look on Ava’s face) and shakes out an 800 mg ibuprofen.

“Superion can work you hard, it’s important to be ahead on your pain management.” 

Ava shakes her head, a small smile on her face, “you know, I’ve never had anybody take care of me before. Careful, I could get used to this.” Lilith doesn’t hate that idea.

They hold eye contact a little longer before Mary walks in. “When you two are done making googly eyes at each other, Beatrice has the plan for the next few weeks.” 

The reminder that they’re still in the middle of the season sends dread down Lilith’s spine. Here she is, getting distracted by a pretty woman in the middle of the season. The dread doesn’t last long, however, when she looks over at Ava. She thinks she could let some of her worries go, learn to live a life outside of her mothers’ expectations as long as Ava was by her side to teach her. Mary sticks around, presumably to keep them on track, eyes locked on her phone, eyes lighting up at whatever she’s reading. 

“What’s got you so happy, Mary? Shannon text you back?” Shannon? Lilith didn’t know Mary was interested in Shannon. This was news to her, she’d have to ask Mary more about it; make a conscious effort to become closer to everybody. That’s what Ava’s influence did to her, made her want to be a better person.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is purely because I need something to do that's not excessively watch the election and question the state of my country. Hopefully this can help bring other people some much needed serotonin tonight and in the coming days.

When they left the kitchen to meet with their team, Lilith’s hand gravitated towards Ava’s, linking their fingers. She enjoyed the feeling of Ava’s hand in hers, her fingers a little less calloused but just as strong. Mary looked between the two of them and shrugged, seeming indifferent to the whole situation. Lilith watched Beatrice take note of the two of them when they walked into their designated conference room of the house. The little smile on her face told Lilith everything she needed to know from her oldest friend, that Lilith would have support in her choice in relationship from Beatrice no matter what.

_ Were she and Ava even in a relationship? What did kissing make you _ ? Their meeting was all business, discussion of training plans, going over video from the last time Lilith was in the Czech Republic, talking about what computer maps to put on the bike for the upcoming weeks, trying to hammer out their best chances of winning. 

“Obviously, since Randall isn’t racing, we have a slightly different field of players next month, but Mary’s been doing some research. Since it’s most likely going to be raining, we’ll have to play around with things a little bit, but our strategy should be the same: score well in qualifiers, be fast, tight on the corners, and accelerate. Gear changes is where we’re going to have to play around.” Lilith nods, following Beatrice’s words as they enter her ears, but she’s not really processing, more focused on Ava next to her. The other woman has a small frown on her face, fingers drumming against her chin in a mock imitation of The Thinker.

“Here’s a thought. I’ve noticed that Lilith’s tuck position could be sharper. Granted, she’s practically a giant, but is there anyway we can make adjustments there to get her more streamlined?” Ava brought out a point that Lilith had been trying to work on for years. 

It wasn’t easy for her to fit her larger frame onto the bike, and she couldn’t hold the tuck as well as she probably should be able to. Her movements were sharp enough that she never lost speed on shifting her weight, but if she could lean and be more streamlined with her bike, then she wouldn’t have to shift so much.

“And, just the other thought here, Lilith, why did you start racing?” Ava turns to face her at the question, genuine curiosity in her eyes. Truth is, Lilith raced because it was something her mothers hated, and it got her out of the cold house she grew up in. She wouldn’t say her parents were abusive, but the lack of love spoke volumes. Her sister had joined the ballet company, and Lilith had gotten into racing and scouted early. It was merely a way for her to pass time, be outside of her body for a little while, before coming back to a loveless house. She had used racing to get through school, not wanting to have the debt to her parents, so when she signed her first endorsement deal, she put that money directly into a college fund and was able to take online classes and the University of Barcelona. But really, racing had never been about the love for speed. There was always another motive behind it. 

“I raced to get away from things,” Lilith says, fingers picking at the frayed edges of the holes in her jeans.

Ava places her left hand over Lilith’s fingers and squeezes. “Then we just have to get you to love it. Passion magnifies any talent.”

Having someone like Ava, who really just loved to go fast, come into her life and suggest falling in love with racing? It was a breath of fresh air, and so it was settled. Lilith was going to learn to fall in love with the sport that had dominated her entire existence since she was twelve. She was about to argue that she loved it, had found excitement in winning, but when she looked into Ava’s eyes and saw  _ joy? _ Lilith knew she didn’t love it as much as Ava did, didn’t respect it in the same way that Ava respected the track. 

That’s why Ava had been so intent on helping Lilith in the race. Because Ava didn’t want someone like Randall, who had no respect for the sport, to win by pulling underhanded moves. It had cost her dearly, but she stood by her decision, and that was something Lilith never would’ve been able to do. Sure, she had been willing to help her teammates in practice, because that’s what they were there for, but ultimately, she was the face of Yamaha, she was their top racer, and when she walked onto the track, she had no teammates. 

Even when she was coming back from her crash, she didn’t get back on the bike because she loved it. No. She got back on her bike because she didn’t know what else she could do. Her degree from school was in communications, but every job she looked into sounded boring. There was a certain rush that came from racing. Even if it wasn’t what brought her joy, it still brought her to life. But she also recognized that she would never consider it her passion, and as such, she could only take the sport so far. Ava was right, passion would make her a better racer.

**

There was no better way to gain passion for something than by watching it, or at least that's what Ava had told her. But Lilith couldn't help but avoid watching racing. She didn't want to watch herself, knew she would pick apart all the flaws that she could see which would ultimately be counterproductive, and so she tended to avoid it. Ava, on the other hand, had watched every race in the last couple years at least a thousand times. She claimed it was to get better, but Lilith had a suspicion that it was because of her. She wanted to go back and watch the most recent races, the ones with Ava because that's where real passion was, but it was hard. 

When Lilith had first seen the footage, she almost couldn’t watch. The crash itself seemed minor, Ava’s bike flipping once and sliding away into the gravel, but watching Ava, the fiery racer she had grown to respect, go flying had been terrifying. Lilith didn’t particularly care when people crashed, Lord knows Vincent and Adriel did it enough times a year to make it seem inconsequential, but rarely were racers thrown into the air like Ava was. Knowing how to slide out from under your bike was one thing, but there was no proper technique for falling out of the air, and Ava had done the best she could. Lilith had been afraid to bring it up with Ava, wondering if she had watched herself crash or if she had taken the high road and just accepted it and moved on.

If Ava could come back from this, it would be purely by the power of her passion, and Lilith was a little bit jealous that nobody had ever fostered her talents the way Ava had been over the past couple of months. Lilith wasn’t jealous of Ava, but she had wanted Ava to look at her the same way she looked at her bike. So to see that look in her eyes when talking about a ride up in the mountains together? Lilith was ecstatic. making plans this far in the future for a possible date should have scared Lilith, but she really just wanted Ava to show her some passion for racing. If spite was what had gotten Lilith back on her bike after her crash a few years ago, then she knew that Ava was going to be even stronger recovering with passion. She itched to have that same drive as Ava, and so she looked forward to learning more about riding in a casual setting.

“When we get back, I’m all yours. You’ll have to pick out the best places while you’re there without me, make it a surprise.” The reminder that Ava was heading back to Spain early hurt just a little bit, but there was also the excitement at being able to learn something new, something she didn’t know already. 

“I’ll see what Superion and her doctor friend let me do, but I shall find us the grandest roads to take, deep into the heart of the Pyrenees.” Excitement radiates off Ava, making her resemble a golden retriever puppy, devouring all the world has to offer. Lilith can’t help but get excited too. All of a sudden she wants to let Ava show her the world through a different set of glasses, wants to see what Ava sees. The thought is slightly terrifying, goes against everything she’s ever been taught, against every decision she’s made. But Lilith is ready, she wants to  _ live _ for herself, wants to find out who she is outside of racing. There’s a new feeling under her skin, one that makes her want to get on her bike and ride for hours.

Which is just what Beatrice wants her to do. “Now that that’s sorted, can we get into the real reason we’re here?” 

Ava sobers pretty quickly at the reminder that this is not just a hobby, but a job, and turns to give Beatrice her undivided attention. Mary pulls up the film from the last race and they go through it frame by frame, discussing entries into turns, exits, body positioning, all the things that could give one racer an advantage over another. Looking back at the film, Lilith didn’t realize how close she was to Ava and Randall when it all went down. She had studiously avoided watching the crash this closely, afraid to see someone as small as Ava go flying, but now that she was watching it, it looked like Randall deliberately pulled out of his turn early to clip Ava. This must’ve been what the board saw that ruled him disqualified from the Czech Republic race. 

Ava stands abruptly and leaves the room, door slamming shut behind her. Lilith is quick to follow, not even hesitating in her rush to comfort the younger woman. Her thoughts are racing, jumping between actually seeing the accident and remembering being with Ava in the hospital. She finds Ava outside on the front porch, her uninjured left hand running over the fingers on her right hand. Lilith just sits next to her, decides to let Ava come to her with her words rather than push.

They sit there in silence for a few minutes, just watching the birds in the sky. Well, Lilith is, she’s trying to give Ava some privacy as she cries. 

“I hadn’t actually seen the clip yet. It’s like everybody has just avoided talking about what happened, focusing on the result, your victory, instead. But that –'' Ava cuts herself off to take a deep breath, to steady her voice. “I knew it had to be bad, but honestly, I don’t remember much about hitting the ground or anything. One second I was on my bike, the next I was in the air, and after that I was staring up at the sky and my arm hurt so fucking bad.”

Lilith watches Ava reach up to wipe at the tears on her face, and Lilith beats her to it, smoothing her thumbs over Ava’s cheekbone and lingering there even after the tears are gone. Ava leans into her touch, closing her eyes. “Superion told me that I may never regain the feeling in my fingers today.”

Her tone is so flat, so dejected, that Lilith can’t help but let out a soft, “oh Ava, I’m so sorry.” She knows what that means. A racer’s hands are so,  _ so _ important, not just for steering, but for braking and being able to  _ hold on _ . Ava’s going to have to be able to grip her handlebars in the first place, and you can’t be going 100 mph and only be holding on with 8 fingers worth of strength.

Ava cuddles further into Lilith’s side after the older woman moves her arm to rest over Ava’s shoulders. Ava had been trying to outrun her feelings about the news today, but now that she’s seen the crash, has seen what she could have just lost, it stings. They sit there on the porch, Ava curled into Lilith’s side, Lilith stroking her fingers up and down Ava’s arm, for long enough that Beatrice has sent someone out to retrieve them. 

Everybody is a little more subdued when they get back inside, but the planning continues. Ava, despite her resistance to watching the film of her crash, is able to offer good insight about Randall’s racing style, and Lilith is able to have a better grasp of what it will take to play defense against him. They spend hours going over track data from Lilith’s last race in the Czech Republic the year before, talking bike specs that have Ava’s head spinning. 

Eventually, they break for the night, and Mary and Beatrice head to the kitchen to make a meal for all of them. It’s still weird for Ava to be eating with people she’s quickly growing to call her family, and when Camila comes back from a meeting with the mechanics, she joins them at the table, sharing stories of her day interacting with people who thought she was just an intern. The satisfaction in her voice as she recounted her tale of explaining everything to the mechanic brought a smile to Ava’s face. She finally had people she cared about, people who cared about her.

They form almost a routine over the next couple of days, with Ava going with Lilith and the team to the track, to just watch them race, hoping to feel connected to this part of the life. She was relegated to sitting with Beatrice and Camila, taking notes of statistics as Lilith practiced against the other Yamaha racers. She couldn’t help but admire Lilith as she raced, her technique  _ was flawless _ despite her inability to form a real tuck, but Ava knew that when she got Lilith feeling passionate? Lilith’s riding would improve tenfold. Ava wanted to help Lilith as much as she could, feeling the need to inspire the other woman as Lilith had inspired her. There was nothing more exciting than watching Lilith leave the track with a smile on her face, and Ava wanted to help put it there every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, this is a friendly reminder that I have taken quite a few liberties with how the MotoGP cycle works and the things of real life in order to fit all of my thoughts into a seamless plot, so suspend your knowledge for a few minutes. As always, comments are the way to my soul, and you know what they say, "happy writer, happy life" (they don't say that but it's true none the less)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter, because apparently this is all I can focus on instead of school

The week passed far too quickly for Ava’s liking, and before she knew it, she was getting dropped off at the airport to head back to Spain. Her backpack was filled with colored pencils and a coloring book, something to help her build her dexterity with her left hand, as well as the book that Lilith had read to her that first night out of the hospital. She had asked Lilith about it on the second night, wondering where the story had come from, and Lilith had explained that it was her favorite book as a child. The prequel of a series about Mages and magic that was, in her opinion, much better than Harry Potter. Ava was scandalized. There could be nothing better than Harry Potter, but as they kept reading together, she grew to understand why the story would be so compelling. It may never top the wizarding world of Harry Potter, but it gave Ava a piece of Lilith to take with her for the next few weeks they would be apart. (Ava had also snuck one of Lilith’s sweatshirts despite the fact that Ava wouldn’t even be able to get it on by herself for a few days.)

Superion has sent one of her minions with Ava, a physical therapist to be there to confer with Dr. Jillian Salvius and send status reports back to the Doctor while they were still in Australia. Chanel is friendly and kind, helping Ava remember to take her pain meds and checking in to make sure Ava hasn’t managed to do anything stupid on their flights home. 

They meet with Dr. Salvius almost as soon as they land, Ava barely even having time to drop her stuff off at her apartment before being whisked off to ArqTech, the company Salvius works for that specializes in biotechnology. The first appointment is just an evaluation, limited of course by the fact that Ava is still in a cast, but it boils down to dealing with the nerve damage and retraining muscles more than anything.  Salvius explains that Ava is going to be doing everything symmetrically, strengthening her left hand as well as her right hand. 

“This is, of course, because there’s a chance that the sensation in your fingers might not come back, so we want you to be able to do everyday things with your left hand just in case.” The thought is frightening to Ava, but she knows that it’s better to have a contingency plan than put all her eggs in one basket. 

When she first got out of the hospital, Ava had thought a simple breaking of her arm was going to be her biggest worry, but when Superion sat her down and explained all the muscles and nerves that had been damaged by her bone slicing through them… Ava had been sick at the thought. She didn’t know that her injury was  _ that _ bad.  Like every other racer, Ava had been through her fair share of injuries, mostly road rash, occasionally a sprained ankle from getting her foot caught under her bike or some jammed fingers when she didn’t let go of the handlebars soon enough, but this was a first. 

She had been with Diego when he broke his arm at the orphanage, and had been blamed for not watching over the younger boy. But this was different. This was a major injury, not just a bone injury. The way Ava had landed created an oblique fracture, causing a complete separation of her bone, hence the plate and screws to hold it in place until it healed completely. Superion had told her she was lucky that the bone didn’t break the skin, but honestly, given the surgical scar, Ava felt like that might have been better.

As it was, she was working hard on coming back. Dr. Salvius was full of knowledge, and Ava was in awe. She had the longest list of exercises to complete each day, but she was never bored with them and Chanel always seemed to know how to get Ava to stay focused. This wasn’t something that was going to be solved in a short period of time, but Ava was willing to put in the work. Superion and Salvius had already told her she wouldn’t be able to race in the Czech Republic, but that didn’t mean her season was over for good. 

She worked hard, carefully regaining her grip strength and mobility. Lilith had taught her how to do things left handed before she left Australia and her maybe girlfriend behind, and Ava was immensely thankful for it. Brushing her teeth was still a struggle, but until she had more sensation back in her fingers, Ava didn’t feel confident using her right hand at all. It was weird, not being able to tell when something was on her skin. The sensation would most likely be lost for quite some time, if it would ever come back at all. It was so frustrating, having to use her left hand which barely even counted as a productive part of her body.

She fidgets a lot more with her hand, rubbing her fingers together in the hopes of feeling  _ something _ . Her ring and pinky fingers still get the sensation, along with her thumb, but those fingers don’t usually come into contact with that many things to be helpful. So Ava will run her thumb along the tips of her fingers, back and forth, back and forth, over and over again trying to get any sensory input. It’s a tick that she loathes, but Jillian had explained the psychology behind it, and so Ava just accepted that her body was reminding itself that she still had those digits. 

“It’s like phantom limb pain, but your fingers are still there. Your brain isn’t receiving any input from them, and so it thinks something is wrong, and so by creating the sensation in the rest of your hand, your brain gets the necessary sensory input to settle.” Ava remembers when she had first started feeling things after her surgery, how she could feel the pain shoot up her arm when she moved her fingers but she couldn’t feel her fingers tapping against her chest, how overwhelming it was. The muscles still worked, she could move her fingers a little bit, but the input was gone. She’s just lucky that the nerve that got nicked was a sensory nerve and not a motion nerve.

By the time Lilith got back from Australia, Ava was able to sort of write again with her right hand and her left hand looked a lot better than it had in the previous weeks. Lilith had been very proud when Ava had shown her the comparison, unfortunately, there was also a hint of concern in Lilith’s eyes. While they had talked almost everyday during their separation, Ava hadn’t realized just how much her injury was affecting them both. It wasn’t something they had the opportunity to really talk about. 

The fact that Ava couldn’t feel sensation made it difficult for Ava to do things. She would be working her fine motor skills, learning how to hold a pencil again, when all of a sudden, pain would shoot up her arm but she’d have no understanding of where it came from. She had freaked herself and Lilith out several times when she would drink coffee in the morning, concerned that she had burned herself and been unable to feel it. Jillian had been trying out acupuncture to try and help her body analyze the damage and repair the pain receptors, but they figured the pain would stick around for a little while. It was just another thing that she’d have to get used to. Chronic pain was now on the list of after effects of her accident.

The exercises Jillian had her doing were uncomfortable, and tedious. Small things, like stacking cups and bending straws took up annoying amounts of time in Ava’s day. She had fun playing with the silly putty that helped her regain muscle, but her interest in getting better immediately left her when she had to do things that seemed childish. Lilith was there to help most days, and that helped Ava to actually do them but it was easy to get angry when Ava watched Lilith demonstrate things. 

“Make sure you’re only using your right hand Ava.” Lilith’s voice called from the kitchen. It was almost like she knew Ava. And that was frustrating. Ava didn’t like feeling this way, and she definitely didn’t need the reminder that she couldn’t use her right hand properly anymore. 

“I _am_ Lilith. God dammit there’s no need for you to treat me like a child!” 

“Well if you would stop bitching about stacking cups I wouldn’t  _ have _ to. I could be at the track, getting ready for the Czech Republic, but instead I’m here. With my girlfriend, because I know what it’s like.” 

“You don’t know anything about this Lilith. You’ve never had to deal with the possibility of not being able to race again. You’ve never had to worry about something as simple as feeding yourself!” 

“Don’t talk to  _ me  _ about not knowing if you’ll ever race again.” And with that, Lilith stormed out the apartment door, slamming it behind her. 

Ava couldn’t help but feel justified in her anger. Sure, Lilith had crashed before and Ava knew how bad it was, but in her mind, losing sensation and nerve damage was much worse than a torn hip flexor. She knows it’s not fair to compare, Lilith had just as much room to talk as Ava did, if not more, but Ava was frustrated. With a huff, Ava went back into the kitchen with her plastic cups and dropped them on the counter. Maybe she was being petty about it, but she could just use her left hand for things like this right? What did cup stacking even have to do with racing? 

She blinked, clearing the tears that she didn’t even know were there, and slid down the front of the fridge, putting her head in her hands. Lilith was right. She was being childish and Lilith didn’t have to help her, but that didn’t mean Ava didn’t want her help;  _ she did. _ Ava wanted all the help from Lilith, but her pride was stubborn. 

When she went to confront Lilith about it, she realized she wasn’t mad at the other woman for being concerned, just frustrated at herself for not noticing sooner that Lilith was having a hard time. 

“I  _ am _ worried, Ava. I want you to be back to racing too. But I’m also worried that this is something that’s going to be a bigger impact than we originally planned for. And it’s all because of fucking Randall.” 

Ava soothed the older woman by assuring her that she knew there was a chance that she’d never get to race again. But Superion and Savlius had gotten into contact with some other biotech firms who were working with makers of prosthetics and were looking into having a special glove made that would allow Ava to have function over her two listless fingers. There was a man in Brazil who had had good luck with them after years of arthritis made him unable to play the piano. When Lilith comes back, and they cuddle up in bed together at night, Ava runs her hand over the fabric of Lilith’s shirt, hoping against hope that she’ll be able to feel it.

As much as they wanted to get lost in the exciting newness of their deepening relationship, the realities of life didn’t give them much time for that. Both of them still had rigorous training schedules to stick to, leaving them to spend what little free time they could cuddled up together before exhaustion took over. Lilith had the upcoming race to prepare for and Ava’s medical team was focused on keeping her in as prime shape as possible while diligently working to help her heal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is your friendly reminder that i am not a motorcycle racer and as such, have taken some liberties with how things work. if you like it, hate it, have thoughts on it, drop me a comment or a kudos!


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws chapter from behind a wall of homework* Here, take this, read it, and let my words distract you from whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Kind of curious what you guys are thinking of this.

Training was perhaps one of the hardest parts of racing for Lilith. She was tall, her limbs unable to tuck into a proper position that many of the racers could achieve with their smaller builds. Her training days were often filled with frustration, her mind begging her body to be smaller, to curl in on itself tighter. But alas, her height continued to be a problem. On one particular morning they had been working on Lilith’s tuck position, when Ava pointed out that Lilith’s hip mobility was probably what was hindering her. 

“You can shift your weight really quickly, babe, but your hips don’t fold very easily.”

Ava moves so she’s standing next to Lilith, pressed hip to hip. She’s got one hand wrapped around Lilith’s hip, and they look like they’re doing some weird variation of a side step dance, but Ava is laughing, “you’ve gotta move your hips more! We have to dance every night now so you get better hip mobility.” They move in sync, to some beat that only Ava can hear, and Lilith is laughing so hard it’s hard to keep up. Lilith thinks that if she could dance with Ava any night, she would. No ulterior motives necessary. She amused Ava for a few more minutes, before Beatrice came over to rescue her. 

From then on, dancing became a nightly routine, and they often managed to trap Beatrice or Mary or Camila in the kitchen with them, blowing off steam as they made dinner together. It was a completely new experience for the team - especially Lilith and Beatrice, who almost never took personal time for themselves. Everything had always been go, go, go all the time, but now? Now, Ava made Lilith want to live in the moment.

Ava’s infectious attitude seemed to have spilled over into everything. Training had become less serious and Lilith was enjoying not being as tired when she left the track. Even their weight room time had taken on a new level of fun. Before, Lilith had struggled with getting her knees and hips mobile enough to deep squat because the distance she had to cover was a lot farther than other racers. Ultimately, she knew it was proportional, but she had been ridiculed by so many over the years that made her hate her height.

She didn’t even realize how much this internalized hatred of herself had negatively impacted her life until Ava came along. Ava, who had insisted they train together as often as they could “to build comradery,” and had lots of thoughts on  _ how _ Lilith trained. And it’s not like Lilith didn’t have input from some of the best strength coaches in the sport, but Ava brought a flair to it that she wasn’t used to. Lilith had never thought about what milestones she celebrated, but Ava seemed to get hyped about any milestone, no matter how small. Whenever she finished the day, if she added time to her isometric holds, Ava was happy. She may not have been able to walk to the car without her legs threatening to collapse, but she was just grateful to be in the weight room at all.

Jillian and Chanel had put together a Superion Approved lifting routine for Ava, and she always made sure to do it with Lilith. Lilith may be doing heavy lifting, hoping to heighten her synapse reflex times, but she was always too serious. There was no music in the gym, something Ava seemed to take personally, so they had spent a Saturday putting together an acceptable playlist that was "hype but not aggressive," and Lilith found that she was actually more productive with the strong beat to keep her on tempo. And while Lilith had her own workouts, she found herself following Ava’s plan a little more than she maybe should. Ava’s program was geared mostly towards building the right muscles, but for a person so built on passion, her technique was a little lacking. While she had improved in the last few months, Ava was still smaller than a lot of racers and she could do to put on a little more weight. The body weight movements were geared towards teaching Ava how to hold her tuck for longer, or to shift her weight from the bigger joints, like hips and shoulders rather than knees and wrists. Lilith didn’t necessarily struggle with this as much, but she was conscious of the fact that her height often made it harder for her to clear the saddle of her bike to shift her weight, and so she saw no problem in working at something so simple with Ava.

Each day usually ended in competition. Whether it was squat holds or skater jumps, the two women could be found trying to push each other over, hoping to win their unspoken challenge. Lilith usually won, her legs and core stronger than Ava’s, but Ava had a lower center of gravity that she was learning to channel. They interspersed their weight training with yoga, hoping to improve range of motion so that Lilith could form a tighter tuck, and, admittedly, Ava had her beat there. Ava was so god damn flexible. Lilith struggled to even hold the beginner version of most of the poses, and the yoga, combined with the dancing she and Ava were doing, was starting to make a difference. She could feel herself turning faster just because she could settle her weight against her bike quicker. It wasn’t something she thought would have correlated, but then again, football players who did ballet often had better vertical jumps, so Lilith wouldn’t hate too much on the dancing and yoga. It also helped that she was genuinely coming to love learning the moves that Ava wanted to teach her.

When they weren’t in the weight room, they were at the track, working on Lilith’s ability to feel the gentle changes in vibrations from her motorcycle. They would head out to the acres of space that Yamaha had at their disposal and Beatrice would open or close lanes depending on the purpose of the day. Most often, they could be seen at the newest Yamaha test site, where construction crews were laying new asphalt almost daily. 

She would spend hours just driving up and down a track, gauging distances manually, and shifting the gears herself in order to feel out each minute shift in her traction and how the bike responded to certain changes. Then, Beatrice would introduce a pre-programmed computer map taken from Lilith’s test runs, and she would focus more on her leans than she would on the bike. It was fascinating to be able to feel the subtle shifts under her, both in her chest and in her hands. She had never been able to feel the bike like this before, and it almost felt as if she was flying. Which is how Ava had described racing for her. Lilith could see why Ava would get addicted to the feeling.

That was the biggest thing Ava had noticed: Lilith always wanted control over her bike. It seemed to Ava that in a perfect world, Lilith would toss the tiny computer and electronic system that changed gears for her in order to race purely by reflex. 

“Lilith, you’re going upwards of 100 mph, you have to let the computer help you. Allow it to change gears for you, trust Beatrice is doing her job right, and just focus on your turns.” 

The first time Lilith had tried it in practice on their home track, one she knew like the back of her hand, she slid out more times than she’d like to admit. By the time the day had ended, though, she had made a clean run through the track and had better shift times than she ever had before. On the drive home, she refused to look at Ava, pouting in the passenger seat at the smug look on the younger racers face. 

“I hate that your passion for racing made me improve.” 

Her petulance could only last so long though, and when they arrived at Ava’s apartment, she backed Ava into a wall and held her there with her lips. Ava was still smirking into the kiss, hands coming to wrap around Lilith’s shoulders, but Lilith grabbed them to halt their movement.

“We have to be careful, don’t want to break you further.” Ava groaned at the thought of not being able to touch the woman in front of her, and Lilith nosed her way across Ava’s cheek to her jaw and down her neck. The sensation of Lilith’s tongue and teeth on her skin makes the heat in Ava’s belly grow, pooling in between her legs. Ava manages to get her left hand into Lilith’s hair, the other still trapped in Lilith’s embrace, fingers intertwined. Unfortunately, the escalating make-out session came to an abrupt end when Lilith’s stomach reminded them both how hungry she was after a long day at the track. Loudly. Lilith pulled back, embarrassed, but Ava just laughed and tugged her girlfriend into the kitchen, their hands still connected.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws chapter into the void hoping people will read it*

While Lilith and Ava were both improving dramatically, Ava was still frustrated with the lack of feeling in her hand. She had hoped that by now it would have come back, or at least, her body would have repaired the muscles by now. Three weeks before Lilith had to leave for the Czech Republic, they experienced their first major setback in Ava’s recovery. The weekly evaluation had shown that the bone was healing nicely, that the plate was doing its job, but the latest MRI revealed that there was severe muscle loss in her arm, and that the part of her nerve that had been cut, had been sliced deeper than they first thought, suggesting that she may never regain feeling at all.

It had been a hard couple of days, finding out that all the hard work that was getting put into recovering wasn’t going as planned, but Jillian and Superion had been talking with the board of MotoGP, and they had come to a conclusion about using extra equipment to help Ava get back on her bike. Because she wouldn’t be able to grip her handlebars very well, the board had approved electro-stimulation to trigger the curling of her fingers, so long as it wasn’t above a certain level. Ava hoped to be able to retrain her body in a new way so that wasn’t what she was banking on to return to the sport she loved, and it had been going okay. 

The exercises she was doing were aimed at building her muscles back up, and some of the unconscious muscle memory had come back as well, allowing Ava to squeeze just enough that she could hold onto a tennis ball with her fingertips, but she had to be looking at her hand. Her brain wasn’t capable of making the connection unprompted, and it was driving her up a wall. Until she could unconsciously grip the tennis ball, she wouldn’t be allowed on a superbike or to hold a weight in that hand of any kind. Her doctors were worried that she might accidentally lose her grip and not be able to feel it before it was too late. She argued that she still had feeling and control over three of her fingers, but each time she pointed it out, it seemed unimportant.

They were both frustrated but understood that they would have a few days off, well Lilith would, after the stop in the Czech Republic. A break was definitely needed, the two of them working so hard to train their best, but Ava could still feel the ache from her crash in her mind. Being able to curl up in bed with each other at night was often just enough to get them through the days, but there was definitely a tension building - one that Ava was looking forward to breaking. Whether it was broken before or after the Czech Republic had yet to be seen. Ava had a feeling it would have to wait, but she was more than happy to spend her nights reading aloud with Lilith, sharing their favorite books from their childhood.

Being able to come home to somebody at the end of a shitty day had been what kept Ava moving, and getting to see Lilith grow a passion for the sport that Ava loved was making it all worth it. Even if she never raced again, Ava was more than happy to be by Lilith’s side.

As the time for the Czech Republic race drew closer, Ava found herself more anxious. She wouldn’t be there, and neither would Randall, but she was still nervous. It was hard to explain, but she couldn’t sit still for very long. After talking it through with Beatrice, Ava would be able to watch the race from their perspective, seeing the footage from Lilith’s onboard cameras. That was as good as she was going to get, and it eased some of her unspoken fears, but she was still worried. Yes, Lilith had been racing better in training, but Ava couldn’t help but be concerned that Lilith’s newfound passion for the sport would make her less competitive. She was afraid that her influence on Lilith’s racing would make her lose her first position, and ultimately that Lilith would blame her. She knew that was very unlikely, but life had taught her to never get too comfortable.

The more time they had spent together, the freer Lilith had become, and Ava could see it. She held herself differently, as if the weight of the world was no longer on her shoulders. Ava likes to think that she’s the reason Lilith acts like a completely different person, but she knows that this Lilith was always there, just hidden by expectations and her reputation. Being able to watch Lilith prepare for the Czech Republic made Ava grin; she had been helping Lilith with her technique, helping her feel a little more relaxed on the bike, letting the computer in the bike aid her instead of hindering her.

Then, one day right before Lilith is set to depart for the Czech Republic, Ava’s got her hands tangled in Lilith’s hair (she had been practicing braiding, using the muscles that she couldn’t feel) when she felt the sensation of Lilith’s wet hair brushing over her fingers. She pulled her hands back, leaving the braid half finished, and just stared at her hands. Her eyes saw Lilith’s fingers wrap around hers, but Ava _felt_ it. She closed her eyes, asking “can you just run your fingers over mine?” So she sat there, eyes closed, hand in Lilith’s lap as Lilith ran her fingers over the first two fingers on Ava’s right hand. 

“Can you feel that?”

At first, Ava couldn’t, and she was afraid it was a fluke, but after a few more minutes, occasionally she could feel _something._ “Try something harder?” Ava suggested, hoping that she might be able to feel pain better than Lilith’s gentle touch.

She kept her eyes closed, couldn’t see what Lilith grabbed, afraid of her brains’ memory telling her what it would feel like, but soon enough, she felt the tip of a pencil running along the inside of her pointer finger. She let out a laugh, excited at the thought of being able to feel again. Touch is so important to Ava’s style of racing, knowing how hard to pull the brakes, when to release. She may be feeling just the vibrations of her bike and working with the computer gear shifts, but it’s all in the braking, and to be able to _feel_ with her braking hand again? It was the first time Ava could really start to see herself being able to race again.

While the euphoria of progress emerged out of the clouds of doubt, Ava knew that she still had a long way to go before she could actually race again. And as the day of Lilith’s departure drew nearer, she could feel the shadows of pessimism trying to claw their way back into her brain. Lilith had spent countless nights just holding Ava’s hand, the two of them cherishing the new found sensation, but there was always a hesitance. Ava no longer reached out for Lilith with her right hand, having grown accustomed to using her left hand for most things, and it seemed as if she was afraid.

Fear wasn’t anything new to Ava or Lilith, they voluntarily rode superbikes at breakneck speeds around pin point turns, but something was different. Ava was never one to hesitate at anything, and to see her unsure of her movements was unsettling. Both women seemed perfectly fine putting off talking about the new hesitation for the time being; Ava was afraid it would draw Lilith’s attention away from the upcoming race, and Lilith was worried about pushing Ava too fast too soon. 

The unspoken words hang over them like a cumulus cloud, not threatening a thunderstorm, just blocking a little bit of the sunlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! School is almost done for me (finals are this week, fingers crossed I don't forget anything) and I've had this chapter sitting in the doc for about.... three months now. BUT! Here it is! I hope you guys enjoyed it, drop a comment if it pleases you (it pleases me and feeds the writer). We are coming along in this story, almost to the finish line! But have no fear, there's still plenty of words to be read.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends. welcome to another chapter. hope everybody is having a good holiday season! a big thanks to those who leave comments and feed my soul, you guys have gotten me through a rough semester of school, so here's a treat.

Ava sees Lilith off to the airport and heads into ArqTech to do her physical therapy and to discuss options with Jillian about moving forward in terms of getting back on a bike. Chanel had been cautious, wanting to wait for Superion to return from the Czech Republic and talk about possibly removing Ava’s cast before even thinking about getting the racer back onto her bike. But Ava was insistent, “Facetime exists Chanel. I saw you talking to your man the other day. Don’t tell me we have to wait, I’ll call Superion right now.” 

She moves to pull out her phone but Salvius walks in just in time to help Chanel pull the phone out of Ava’s hand. “Ava, stop, stop. You’re going to undo all of the progress we’ve made. Let me set up an  _ official _ call.” Salvius walks away, still holding onto Ava’s phone. Ava turns to Chanel, a half-formed plan in her mind to get her phone back, but Chanel just guides Ava by her shoulders out of the building.

“We just want to make sure you’re fully healed, Ava. Don’t want Superion to murder you for pushing yourself too hard.” 

“I would never do anything stupid Chanel. Oh ye of little faith.” Ava smirks and Chanel’s eye roll, knowing she  _ would _ do something dangerous, even if it was an accident. 

The two of them walk into Salvius’ office, where the older woman has set up a call with Superion and they get down to business. Salvius and Superion exchange notes about Ava as if she isn’t even there, and Ava would feel left out if she understood what they were even discussing. Ava zones out as the two women toss fancy medical jargon back and forth, but she perks up when Chanel throws in her two cents. “Ava’s shown improved mobility in her fingers, I think she’d improve faster with just a splint.” 

And so it was decided. The cast would come off, thank God, and Ava would be able to start working on getting back on her bike.

She looked down at her hand, able to see all of it now that her cast was off and wiggled her fingers. Her range of motion had improved a lot, but it still required conscious effort to get her first two fingers to move, and she slowly balled her hand into a fist. The cast had limited her movements enough that actually curling her fingers was next on her “to do” list of improvements. Pain was less common with the action now, but occasionally, when she was really tense, any movement hurt. She didn’t have enough control or strength to really make a fist, but curling her fingers against her palm had been the biggest milestone since Lilith had come back.

Having Lilith back these past few weeks had done wonders for her mood and Ava couldn’t wait to start riding again, but Superion had been stern in laying out all that Ava was allowed to do for the next few days. Ava was to work with Chanel on the smaller movements of racing, the flick of her wrist to accelerate, the pull of her fingers to brake, and Ava’s reflexes. The tasks were to be completed on both the left and right sides, the goal being to get Ava accelerating with her left hand instead of her right, hoping that the change would be temporary, but Ava was pretty sure she would be left handed forever after this injury. 

It wasn’t something she was used to, and the week that Lilith was in the Czech Republic was hard. She didn’t have someone at home who could step in and make dinner after a hard day of therapy left her hand throbbing. The days with pain were getting further apart, but Jillian and Chanel seemed to have a like minded goal of making her suffer. For what, Ava had no idea, but they put her through the wringer more often than not. To remedy the situation, Ava and Lilith had fallen into a habit of calling each other at the end of the day, both women missing the other more than they’d care to admit. Ava would tell Lilith about how her therapy went, about some prank she had pulled on Chanel, and Lilith would listen fondly, the joy in Ava’s voice soothing her anxious mind. Lilith would often be exhausted from long days of training and preparation with Beatrice to contribute, so Ava had volunteered to read to Lilith, “what’s wrong with Harry Potter?? Lilith, it’s  _ iconic _ .” 

The night before the race, hoping to sooth her own mind, Ava rang Lilith a little earlier than usual. It took a few minutes for Lilith to answer, and Ava wouldn’t be worried except that she knew the other woman should be free (unless of course Ava had messed up the time difference and called Lilith while she was in a pre-race meeting with Beatrice.) The longer it took for Lilith to pick up the phone, the more nervous Ava got; it wasn’t even like she  _ had _ to talk to Lilith right away, but something was nagging at the back of her mind, as if she knew that Lilith needed her. So when the call finally connected, Ava breathed out a soft “hi” and was content to be whatever Lilith needed in that moment. She heard Lilith take a deep breath, and Ava couldn’t help but smile. Anxiety wasn’t something Lilith displayed often, and so Ava started talking about her day before opening the page that she had left off on last night. 

“Do you want me to read or do you wanna tell me about your day?” She asked. It took Lilith a minute to answer, as if she didn’t know what she needed, but eventually Lilith asked if Ava would read to her. Ava heard the sounds of sheets shifting and a clink of a water glass on the other end. 

“Okay. We finished last night just before the first task of dragons. Does that sound good?” Lilith just hummed in response and so Ava began reading.

Ava’s voice was steady and warm, washing over Lilith as she imagined Ava acting out the different characters. Despite the distance between them, Lilith couldn’t help but feel closer to Ava. She was never one to let another in so easily, Beatrice being the last, but Ava had somehow snuck her way into Lilith’s heart. Her cocky attitude and love for life had opened Lilith’s eyes, and Lilith couldn’t help but be jealous of the younger woman. She knew that Ava didn’t have the easiest life, Ava had told her a little bit about growing up in the orphanage, but Lilith knew that Ava had come out on the other side a better person; while Lilith had been given the cold shoulder by her mothers’ her whole childhood and had internalized those emotions and tactics. It didn’t help that her mothers’ had attempted several times to worm their way back into Lilith’s life after she broke out on the circuit. It was frustrating, the only thing she shared in common with her sister, and she dreaded the phone calls that would come after every race. But somehow, knowing that Ava was waiting to hear about her day made the phone calls a little easier. Lilith didn’t have to talk to her mothers’ for as long anymore, and she was racing some of her best races since her rookie year. 

Thinking back on the last month or so with Ava made Lilith giddy, which wasn’t something she had felt before. She wanted to race more than ever, wanted to go out and win for herself, not to prove people wrong. Spite had motivated her her whole life, but now, Lilith wanted to do things for herself, and if she happened to be good at it? Well, bad news for her enemies and rivals. Lilith de la Cruz was going to take on the world of racing head on, holding nothing back for the rest of the season. No longer was she going to cruise by on her discipline. She was going to push the limits and separate herself from the others with her newfound joy. Lilith had never been more excited for a race in her life as she was for the Czech Republic. All she had to do was think of Ava and her smile and Lilith felt prepared to race. 

Leaving Ava had been hard for Lilith. She wanted to be there for the other woman as she continued her recovery, wanted to be able to really learn from her. These last two weeks they had been together in person, Lilith had learned so much about living life freely and racing with a passion that made her feel like a whole new racer. She was excited for this weekend, but at the same time, she was nervous. Nerves hadn’t sat in her stomach in ages, but she felt like this was her first race all over again. She was less focused on the other racers, JC and his team at Honda would be big competitors along with the up and coming Suzuki team, but Lilith wasn’t as worried about them as she normally would be. She felt almost giddy walking into the locker room on race day. Ava had called her the night before, as she had every night since Lilith had been gone, and they talked about nothing relating to racing. Lilith seemed almost flippant about the race, overconfident even, but she wasn’t worried about the result of this race so much as she was worried about having fun. For so long, she had obsessed over winning and losing, standings and techniques, but this weekend was all about feeling the bike vibrate under her chest, and feel the wind against her suit.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, Happy Holidays to those who don't, and if it's just another Friday for you, TGIF!!! Things pick up from here on out, and I have most of the rest of this finished, so as long as I remember to actually post, this will be finished hopefully before February!

Getting ready for a race was always weird for Lilith, as she didn’t have any “rituals” that she followed. She mostly just got there early to warm up, get suited up, run through all her checks and then went and raced the qualifying time trials for start positions. But today felt different. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something in the air had changed, and Lilith was sure it was her. Putting on her suit felt less like putting on a mask and more like putting on her second skin. She finally felt comfortable in her gear, and this was the first time she could say that with confidence. Her walk to check in with Beatrice no longer felt like a death march. 

Time trials breezed by. Lilith felt at home on her bike now, and it was all thanks to Ava. The thought put a smile on her face and she went back into her trailer to catch a quick bite to eat before the race began. She had done well enough on the time trials that she would be starting in second, not her favorite position to start, but JC from the Honda team had been racing time trials like his life depended on it, and from what she saw in the film review last week, he really needed the break; not that she was going to give him one. Wins were almost more satisfying when Lilith hadn’t started in first, the feeling of jockeying for position was a thrill.

Coming up to the start line, Lilith got there earlier than most racers, just like normal. The weather wasn’t too bad, not too cold, but there was a light mist that had started falling. Racing in the rain scared a lot of people, but honestly? Lilith loved it. She bopped along to the playlist Ava had shared with her, a memento of Ava’s pre-race ritual. It was a weird mix of hardcore rap and classical pieces that definitely gave Lilith whiplash, but the connection she felt to Ava made it worth it.  Today was all about being connected to Ava, connected to the woman who had helped her come back into racing, learn to love it, learn to connect with her bike outside of a machine/human relationship. 

It had only been a couple weeks, but Lilith already felt more at home on her bike than she had from years of training and racing. She wasn’t even bothered by the other racers coming up into their spaces around her. Her eyes were closed, imagining the course, moving her shoulders gently as she mimed her movements for each turn. Shadowing was one of Ava’s ideas, a way to get Lilith’s body more in tune with her thoughts. It had helped a little bit in the practice runs, but Lilith had never put much stock into visualization. When she heard voices come up behind her, she didn’t even flinch, the feeling of Beatrice’s hand on her arm combined with Ava’s music in her ears keeping her steady and grounded. Normally, she would be an anxious mess on the inside, always thinking about how she could fail, but Lilith was calm to a point of numbness almost.

When the call came for three minutes before the start of the race, Lilith took her earbuds out and handed Beatrice her phone and her watch, completing the only aspects of any ritual she had ever had. The watch had belonged to her grandfather and she didn’t part with it easily, but it didn’t fit under her racing gloves, so she left it on for as long as possible. He had been so passionate in everything he did, but her mothers had expressed shame in his thinking, saying that hard work was how you achieved your goals, that dreams and passion had no place in the de la Cruz household. They made sure to pass onto their daughters the toxic mindset of putting in work instead of chasing dreams, but look at where Lilith is? She achieved her dream, and nothing can take this away from her.

Mounting her bike, Lilith took her helmet from Beatrice, admiring the green stripes she had added in honor of her girlfriend, loving the lightning bolts they created on the sides. 

(“I just want to go fast. Like lightning. I want to feel that excitement all the time, feel the tingle from the tips of my fingers into my toes when I feel the change of gears under my body,” Ava had told her. And so Lilith had asked their equipment manager if she could have some bright green lightning bolts painted on her helmet. He had chuckled and muttered a “finally, some personality for your gear.”)

Making sure her visor tabs were slicked back, Lilith worked on calming her excitement. She breathed deeply, felt Beatrice pat her twice on the knee and looked up, game face on. They shared one last fist bump, and then Lilith turned her attention to the start line.

_ Red, red, red, red, red, green. _ They were off, with almost no time to really pick up speed before heading into the first turn of the track. This was what was so exciting about the Czech track; there were so many twists and turns that riders had to be so responsive to each movement of their bike, really feel the way the tires gripped the asphalt in each turn. Lilith had never done particularly well in the Czech Republic, always too stiff in her turns and taking a conservative line to avoid crashing like many of her competitors. But this time, she felt more confident in her leans, her ability to hold her bike in each position and quickly shift her weight. Turn 1 and 2 were tight and consecutive, an S turn almost, with 2 widening out into the closest thing to a straightaway they would get on this track. 

The exit of turn 2 was the most important, trying to stay off the inside ribbon but not drift too far into the center of the track so as to leave your inside shoulder open for passing. Her left knee touched the ground, sliding briefly before she hauled her hips up and over her bike when she felt the torque on the engine begin to ease off. Lilith thought of Ava, her voice in her head saying something about how you could  _ feel  _ your engine leave the turn. Her eyes were glued to the track in front of her, less focused on the ground directly in front of her as she used to be, more willing to look out ahead of her and map her turn entrances on the fly.

The bike vibrated under her fingers, she could feel the engine working, knew almost instinctively when the gear shift was coming, and as she moved through the track, it became easier and easier to let her mind shut off. Every muscle in her body was working, but she wasn’t as tense as normal, and to her surprise, she even found herself enjoying the rush of adrenaline that would overcome her body every time she came out of a turn.  _ Is this what Ava felt? Because this is amazing _ . Each turn was better than the last, and she was less worried with what line she was taking as she was with the feel of the bike underneath her. It was almost as if it was driving itself, which, technically, it was, but Lilith felt more free than she ever had before.

Holding onto the bike felt like when she held Ava close to her. It felt like coming home. 

Turns 5 and 6 passed by in a blur of movement, her body working almost on autopilot to clear the lines. She spent so few moments on the ribbons that it was really just her, the bike, and the track. She reached up to peel away the visor and clear the rain out of her eyes, never letting her attention waver from the racer in front of her. They had been neck and neck since the get go, and as they rounded out the first few laps, Lilith was mentally going through her map of when and where she could pass him.

Turn 7 would be possible. If he stayed on the inside line, Lilith could skirt around him with the extra horsepower of her Yamaha, but if he edged outward, she would probably have to wait for turn 10. It would all depend on what line he took, but Lilith knew her bike could close any gap with the extra horsepower. As they went into lap 7, Lilith kept her eyes on her opponent’s line, something she had never really been able to do, because she’d always been so focused on her own lines. She could hear the engine of whoever was behind her coming up on her left, and given Lilith’s taller frame, when she sat up to slow down, she was able to stick her foot out a little farther, block whoever was trying to pass her on the brake before tucking back into the turn. She had never tried to physically block someone like this before, always afraid of making contact, but Ava had been trying to get her to use her height to her advantage given that most people thought it was a huge disadvantage. She managed to keep her second position, despite the aggressive attempts from the blue racer behind her. Lilith was never really one for defensive tactics, but she decided in this moment that a strong defense was the best offense.

Speed was important, and she managed to keep JC in her sights, all while keeping whoever was behind her off her back. Passing JC would be her next priority, hoping to put distance between her and whoever was trying to pass her. As they turned the corner of 13 and saw the boards, Lilith knew they had pulled away, creating a solid leader group. The goal now was to take first position and leave the two other racers jockeying for second.

Her moment came after they really broke away from the pack, running the fastest lap times according to the boards. They were coming out of turn 11 and the Suzuki had taken the turn a hair wide, allowing Lilith to slide up the middle of the track into the first position. She had never been particularly good at passing coming out of turns, her longer limbs requiring more contact with the ground leaving her in a leaning position longer. But the work she had been putting in with Ava, listening to her bike more, was paying off. Lilith was able to tuck better, knowing that she didn’t need to put her knees down for as long. 

After that initial pass, there was some jockeying, but each turn was better than the last, allowing Lilith to keep her steady lead. She stopped looking at the clock on the 15 th lap, more worried about conserving her tires and maintaining grip on the asphalt as it grew more wet with the rain. This wasn’t what they had planned for, but it had been smart to put the medium front tire on at the last minute, because the reduced wiggle in Lilith’s tires allowed her to keep her composure and control. When she saw the checkered flag out of the corner of her eye, Lilith was caught off guard a little bit. She had lost track of time, if not the racers behind her. 

When she pulled into the podium, Beatrice was there with the biggest smile she had ever seen. Lilith was puzzled, but accepted the hug from her crew chief and when she finally took out her earplugs and could hear what was being said, Lilith was shocked. Not only had she laid out a personal best, she had beat the track record. Twenty minutes of racing had never gone by so fast for her before.

Beatrice handed Lilith her hat and sunglasses, along with her phone and some Powerade, and just as she was going to take a drink to satiate her parched throat, Ava’s face popped up on her screen. The text was just a string of emojis and exclamation points, followed by a simple “New TR???” and Lilith couldn’t help but chuckle. Ava was a dork, but she knew exactly what Lilith needed, and so she just sent back a simple thumbs up and turned her attention towards Beatrice, already talking debrief. The press were hounding her like never before, and she was just glad that they had stopped asking the extremely sexist comments and were more curious about her mindset today that allowed her to race like never before. 

“Honestly, I met someone who’s so passionate about the sport, so in love with just the feel of the bike, and she’s helped me find that for myself. Today wasn’t about winning, it was about really connecting to the track and my bike. The Track Record is just an added bonus.” And Lilith felt like those words were the truth. She was less worried about her result, obviously she still wanted to compete, but having been able to implement several of the things she had been working on was even better.

One reporter had dared ask her about Ava’s crash, framing the question in a way that would pit the two women against each other. Lilith wasn’t excited to dance around the question, fully unprepared to talk about her girlfriend, so she was honest. “Ava’s crash was horrible, and no racer should ever have to go through a deliberate attack like that. I wish her the smoothest recovery.” She looked over her shoulder at Beatrice, silently asking for an out, and Beatrice came up beside her, pulling the attention away from Lilith in that moment, allowing her to slip away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that comments feed my soul, even if I don't respond (it's usually because I see the comment, get so excited I run around screeching like a pterodactyl then forget to respond) and I love hearing what you guys enjoy about the story!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I actually on track for completing this fic in my goal time? possibly. Anyway, here's another chapter. As always, comments let me know what you guys are feeling/what you like. This chapter is a little different I think than usual, and we start to see some things, but don't hesitate to feed my soul.

When she made it back to the hotel they were staying at for the night, Lilith pulled out her phone to call Ava. She wanted to hear what Ava thought about the race, and she was not disappointed. Ava had squealed in her ear, talking excitedly about how Lilith had passed JC and her great defensive work. 

“I’m so proud of you! And you just set a record for the track. That’s just proof that racing with passion beats racing for no reason.” Lilith couldn’t help but laugh. Ava knew how much hard work went into something like this, but Lilith couldn’t deny that Ava had a point. She was much more successful when she was racing for something, even if it was just herself. 

They talked for as long as Lilith was able to stay awake. Ava updating Lilith on her recovery, “Jillian thinks I’ll be able to start riding again in two days, I can sort of grip now, so we might just start on a bicycle so I don’t break myself further,” and about the gossip from the team.

In a weird twist from their nightly routine, Ava read to Lilith, a little bit from one of her favorite books. Lilith fell asleep to the sound of Ava’s voice, her breathing evening out as Ava read her a story of living during war and managing to find ways to push through fear and find community with those you loved. If Lilith had managed to stay awake for a little longer, she would’ve been able to hear Ava’s soft admission of love, but Ava knew Lilith was sound asleep before laying the words out into the air. 

There wasn’t a lot she was sure of in life, the only things being her love for racing and her connection to Diego, but loving Lilith had kind of snuck up on her, and it felt so right. She had no expectations for being with Lilith, but she just had to vocalize her feelings. Little did she know, Beatrice, who had just been coming out of the hotel bathroom at that moment – she had taken the opportunity for a bath when Ava had called Lilith – heard the admission, and quietly looked on at her sleeping friend. To be loved was all Beatrice wanted for her oldest friend. It was something Lilith had put off for so long, her relationship with Isabel coming the closest to something that could’ve been permanent.

**

Travelling back to Spain had been rough for Lilith. She was exhausted from her full body race the day before, a new soreness in her limbs that she wasn’t used to, and her brain wasn’t processing things as fast as they normally would. She felt like she had gone ten rounds and lost, but she had also seen Ava this way after a couple of her smaller races, so she figured it was normal. What she didn’t account for, was the itch in her throat or the congestion in her chest. 

They were in the air before Lilith woke up enough to feel her nausea, and she knew this was more than just post-race exhaustion. Getting sick in the middle of race season was the worst. The next few days would be spent in bed with cough medicine and more tissues than humanly possible. She didn’t usually get sick until later in the season, but with the extra training she had been doing and the fact that winter had hit Eastern Europe earlier than normal, Lilith really shouldn’t have been surprised. Beatrice had come prepared for anything, it seems, as she pulls cough drops from her pockets the moment Lilith looks like she’s even going to start coughing. Lilith is grateful, but it doesn’t mean she isn’t going to be in a mood about it. She just wanted to get back and see Ava, cuddle next to her girlfriend, tell her about how exciting it was to race with passion. 

Sleep reclaimed her quickly, but she woke what felt like only a few minutes later to her phone ringing. When she looked at who was calling, she let out a long groan. Her mothers’ names flashed across her screen and she really was not in the mood for another one of their lectures on what proper racing looked like, but she knew they would only keep calling until she answered. 

“Your race was sloppy, Lilith. Starting in second position and staying there for almost half the race? We’re disappointed in you.” Her mothers don’t even let her get a word in and she’s too tired to even try to fight them about it. She’s confident in her race, and she’s starting to love it; nothing can bring her down, not even her mothers.

When Lilith makes it back to Spain, Ava is waiting there to pick her up. If Lilith was feeling better, she would notice the tightness in Ava’s smile, but she’s just so glad to be back in Ava’s space that she slumps into the hug. Ava’s arms come to wrap around her, and Lilith spends way too long in the embrace. Her head hurts, and she just wants to go home. The words from her mother are still ricocheting around her skull and she really just wants to eat and sleep for a million years. 

Ava keeps an arm around her waist, Beatrice coming on the other side with their bags. She must have fallen asleep in the car, because the next thing she knows, Ava is shaking her shoulder and whispering that they’re home. Lilith moves on autopilot, grabbing her backpack and walking up the front steps to Ava’s apartment, Ava’s hand in hers. If she was more awake, she’d notice that Ava’s hand is no longer confined in anything. (Ava’s linked their fingers together, unconsciously squeezing, and when Lilith squeezes back, she can feel just a little bit of it.) 

The two of them end up in Ava’s bedroom (it's more theirs now) and Lilith face plants on the bed. A chuckle sounds from her left, and she’s too tired to even want to ask Ava what she found funny. There’s a dip, and then Ava is crawling into bed next to her, pulling her hair free from the hair tie and running her fingers along her scalp. The motion feels so good, Lilith can’t help but let out a moan. Ava’s fingers don’t stop, and soon, Lilith is actually asleep.

Ava was worried when Beatrice had texted her saying that Lilith was sick. It was a little bit early in the season to have an overwhelmed immune system, and her traitorous brain can’t help but link the extra work Lilith has been doing with her as the cause for Lilith overworking herself. She knows, in her heart, that she’s not the reason Lilith is feeling under the weather, but these feelings of guilt have been building over the last couple of weeks. These thoughts were only compounded when she watched the race yesterday, seeing Lilith starting in the second position instead of first like normal. Passion was great for any athlete, but what if Ava’s style didn’t work for Lilith and she ended up losing? Ava was pressing so hard at getting Lilith to race with passion that she didn’t even stop to ask if this is what Lilith had wanted. She knew that Lilith was good, so why was she changing her style to please Ava, who up until recently, hadn’t even raced professionally?

The voice in her head was telling Ava that she was screwing everything up, just like she had done as a kid, that she was the reason for Lilith getting sick so early. She kept running her fingers through Lilith’s hair, hoping that the motion would calm her mind, remind her that Lilith hadn't protested at being in Ava's apartment, had led them to  _ her _ room. 

Ava was wanted, Beatrice had told her so, and Ava loved Lilith, but she wasn’t sure love was enough to warrant changing a whole racing style for. Her childhood had shown her plenty of times that love wasn’t enough to hold people together. She had watched foster parents argue every night about finances or infidelity, and yet, whoever was in trouble always pulled the “but I love only you” card and yet, more often than not, Ava figured they ended up divorced. She was never around long enough to find out, but she had seen how love had been weaponized to hurt those who were supposed to feel it for each other, and Ava was afraid she had done that to Lilith unconsciously.

Little did she know that Lilith was the product of weaponized love. Her whole childhood was a fake love from her mothers. Ava had seen glimpses whenever Lilith mentioned only racing for her family, not for herself, and it made Ava want to show Lilith what love actually was supposed to be. Never mind the fact that Ava herself wasn’t sure what love was supposed to be, but she had been watching Mary closely. Mary who smiled at her phone when a person named Shannon was texting, Mary who could spend hours on the phone with Shannon talking about the most random things. Ava was determined to learn how to love like that with Lilith and when she had told Lilith, she had meant it. She was in love with Lilith. And yet, she couldn’t help but experience the war between love and guilt in her brain. Ava was determined to care for Lilith now, just as Lilith had been caring for her the last few weeks, and she was determined to try and shove her guilt away so Lilith never found out about it.

It’s not that she didn’t want to tell Lilith that she felt guilty, she just figured it would be best when they could have a conversation about it without the pressures of the racing season on their shoulders. Ava had never thought she’d even get this far, and she didn’t want Lilith to think she was attempting to sabotage her racing. That’s what this really came down to; Ava was worried that Lilith would think her tactics were purely for getting ahead. And that’s probably got something to do with how Ava was used to mend marriages or gain favor by families in the communities she got fostered into. As she looked down at the woman sleeping next to her, Ava couldn’t help but smile. 

She had never felt this way, unless Diego counted, but this was more than just love for found family. The feelings warring in her heart told her to be careful, but she decided to ignore those feelings for now. She had to make sure that Lilith knew how she felt, and she was going to do everything she could to show her, starting with taking care of the other racer.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting 2021 off on a high note by posting a chapter. I have officially finished this fic, and now I just have to remember to update it. I'm thinking on writing an epilogue, but I guess we'll see how I feel about it in a few days.

The first time Ava’s allowed back on a bike, she has six weeks to get used to her bike before Portugal. Her first couple of days had been easy, working only on straightaways to get her used to accelerating with her left hand, working out the kinks in the new braking system, making sure all her new equipment was working. Dr. Salvius had worked closely with some of her colleagues, and now Ava had a special brace on her glove that linked all four fingers together in order to pull on the brakes. It was definitely something that would take time getting used to, but for now it seems to be working well enough. 

She was excited to get on the track today, since Superion had told her she could try racing a couple laps to see how everything felt. Her time was still pretty limited, nobody wanting to push Ava too far too fast. But Ava was excited nonetheless. Superion had capped her at seven laps, hoping that twenty-eight kilometers would be enough time for Ava to get into the swing of racing without overdoing it. 

Ava had only managed three laps. Three. Her hand had cramped coming out of the final turn on lap two and she forced herself to finish another lap, but when Beatrice’s voice sounded in her ears, Ava knew it was over. Beatrice usually let Ava ride the first few laps of the day in solitude, not chiming in until specific exercises or after certain mistakes later on, but Beatrice sounded concerned. Ava had managed an “I’m fine,” but she had barely made it to the next turn when Superion’s voice was in her helmet. 

“Ava, I swear on my mother’s life, if you ruin all the hard work we’ve been doing I’ll bring Jillian out here to scold you.” And Ava knew that was it. She slowed down and coasted her way to the start line, practically seething under her visor. When she met Camila at the pit, she didn’t say a word to the other woman, just hopped off her bike and stormed into the locker room. The stomp of her boots echoed throughout the hallways, and other racers hurried out of her way as she wove through the building at the center of the track. She reached up with her right hand, hoping to unbuckle her helmet, but she couldn’t grip the buckle with enough pressure to trigger the release. 

A whine escaped her mouth, and she was glad she had kept her visor down as she tried to use her left hand, still not coordinated for such small tasks, to undo her helmet. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, and when she finally got the buckle undone, she flung her helmet as hard as she could against the nearest wall. It was a stupid move, she just busted the integrity of her favorite helmet and would have to get a new one, but she was more frustrated with the lack of thud. Her right hand pulsed, so she switched hands, pounding the innocent gear against the bench in front of her locker with her left hand. Nothing seemed to satisfy her rage, so she left her helmet and started pulling at the zipper and snaps of her suit. Her movements were jerky, uncoordinated, and overall inefficient, but finally,  _ finally _ , she got her suit off and her running shoes on her feet.

She was trying to tie them, unable to see the laces through the tears in her eyes, her hands shaking too much with the effort. Footsteps sounded outside the door, and Ava redoubled her efforts, hoping to be able to run before whoever it was could see her like this. She blinked, trying to clear the water from her eyes, and when she opened her eyes, Lilith was kneeling before her, hands hovering over Ava’s, waiting for permission. Ava let out a huff, but she pulled her hands back and let Lilith tie her shoes for her. 

The minute Lilith was done, Ava pushed against her shoulder, running out and retracing her steps back through their headquarters. She ran out the tunnel leading towards the parking lot and just kept running. The track was in the middle of a quiet neighborhood, and so Ava ran through the streets, searching for the park that was nearby. She took refuge on the swings when she got there, not actively swinging, but just gripping onto the chains that held her off the ground. Her face was hot, and her breathing labored, but she finally felt at peace. 

It was quiet, so every sob sounded twice as loud, but Ava couldn’t find it in herself to care, she just needed to cry. She cried for herself, she cried for Diego who she had left behind to pursue racing, she cried for her lost normalcy, she cried for all the things that she wouldn’t be able to do. Ava wasn’t sure how long she cried for, but by the time she wiped her face on her sleeve, the sun was setting.

Looking up at the sky, she could see the beginning of stars to appear, the sky dark enough that the brightest celestial bodies could be seen. She wondered about some of them. How long had they been dead for her to still be able to see their light? She feels kind of like a star in that moment. Broken and burning. 

Ava doesn’t know how much time has passed, sitting on the swings, sobbing, but eventually, she notices the presence of another body. The hand that offers a tissue doesn’t belong to Lilith, and Ava doesn’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, she was hoping Lilith would have followed her, yet on the other, she’s relieved to know that Beatrice is the one to experience her breakdown. This wasn’t Ava’s most dignified moment, and she already wants to forget it. 

“It’s normal, you know.” Ava can only manage a wet chuckle, the remainder of her tears dispelling at Beatrice’s words. “They say the hardest part of recovery has nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the mind. After watching so many athletes, I’m inclined to believe them.” 

Ava’s looking at her shoes now, remembers her frustration at having to relearn how to tie them, thinks of how her motions are still stilted and jerky like a seven year old. How she can’t quite manage to create the bunny ears or thread the tail around the body to complete the knot. It’s something she’s had no trouble with since she was a child, in fact, she had been so good at it, that all the kids at the orphanage would come to her to learn. Learning to tie her shoes was the last memory she had of her mother, and now it was gone, and she’d had to relearn with the help of Chanel and Dr. Salvius. The memory forever changed in her mind, a disconnect between the child and the adult. Unconsciously, Ava flexed her hand, grimaced when she tried to straighten out her stiff fingers. 

“Lilith wanted to come after you but I wouldn’t let her. Told her that she should give you some space.” Beatrice spoke softly, afraid to overwhelm the younger woman. It’s true. 

(Lilith had seen Ava leave the track early, only a few laps into their training day, and she had followed shortly after. She deposited her bike with Beatrice, racing after Ava through the halls of the facility, but Beatrice hadn’t been far behind her, had watched Lilith kneel before Ava and tie her shoes, had seen the way Ava’s face twisted into a mix of guilt and frustration. When Ava had burst out of the locker room, Lilith was quick to follow, but it was only Beatrice’s hand on her arm that kept Lilith from following after Ava. “You should let her go. This is something she has to deal with on her own.” 

“No she shouldn’t. She should know that I’m always going to be here for her.” 

“Sometimes, Lilith, we must lose ourselves in order to find who we are. Let Ava lose herself, and you can be there to help her find who she really is. Pick up the pieces with her, don’t be a reason they break.” Beatrice had left Lilith there with those words and a promise that she would make sure Ava was okay and didn’t get into any trouble.)

She had followed Ava, albeit at a slower pace, but made sure that she kept the younger woman in her sights as they wound their way through the neighborhood next to the track. 

As Ava listened to Beatrice’s words, she realized that the older woman was right. She was angry and frustrated, but deep in her mind, she knew that recovery wasn’t going to happen overnight. “I just want everything to go back to normal. I don’t want to have to worry about cooking dinner or, or. I just don’t want Lilith to leave. I feel like a burden. Lilith should be worrying about her own racing, she shouldn’t have to worry that I’m going to burn down the apartment or drop the milk all over the floor while trying to make cereal. She deserves someone who can look after themselves. And today proved that I can’t. Beatrice I can’t even tie my own fucking shoes!” 

Ava stood abruptly, pacing back and forth in front of Beatrice, waving her arms around. “I came in, turned everything upside down, and now! Now Lilith is trying to change her entire way of racing  _ six weeks _ before the Grand Prix championship! Nobody in their right mind would attempt something like this and I can’t help but feel like I’ve pressured her into it!”

While Ava was busy pacing, Beatrice looked up to the other side of the park. She had texted Lilith their location, and she had heard a car pull up. Lilith was walking across the grass towards them, but Beatrice held up a hand, hoping that Lilith wouldn’t scare the other woman. Lilith just paused, watching Ava pace back and forth, took a minute to really think about what Ava was saying before she walked into the path of the smaller woman. Ava bumped into her and jerked back, left hand instinctively coming up to protect her recovering right arm, cradling the limb to her chest, but Lilith beat her to it. 

She wrapped her hands around Ava’s wrists, pulling her girlfriend into her. Ava was breathing hard, and Lilith could see the evidence of tears shed and new tears building in her eyes. She wiped her thumbs along Ava’s cheeks, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and asked, “do you really feel guilty for my second position start?” Ava sniffled, pressing her face further into Lilith’s chest and nodded. 

“Oh Ava. You could never make me hate racing. My mothers’ did that all on their own. You’ve made me _ fall in love _ with racing. I’ve never wanted to step onto the track more than I have before, and that’s all because of you. And there’s no place I’d rather be than by your side, helping you get back on your bike.” They stand there for a few minutes, Lilith holding Ava, Beatrice off to the side typing furiously into her phone. Lilith keeps her chin rested on Ava’s head, breathing in the cool winter air, hoping that her actions will help keep Ava calm. 

“Go out with me,” she breathes out, the words leaving her mouth without permission but she doesn’t hate the idea. They could use a break, and they have at least two weeks before any real race prep starts, so the timing is perfect. Ava picks her head up, meets Lilith’s eyes, and presses up to connect their lips. 

“I could get behind going out. Did you have anything in mind?” Lilith just hums thoughtfully, flicking through her internal catalogue of restaurants they can go to. She knows there’s a lot they have to talk about, but she also knows that there’s been an underlying tension between the two of them for weeks that might be adding to the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Don't forget to leave a comment or a kudo's they help me remember to update and they feed my soul.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYBODY PLEASE DOUBLE CHECK TO NEW RATINGS AND TAGS. Apparently I can't write a long fic without a cute date. Also this is kind of a long one, and it's mostly an interlude before the final chapters.

After Ava’s breakdown the other day, she had spent more time working to get better with her right hand. It’s not that she didn’t trust her right hand, but she had grown comfortable after a few months of being left-hand dominant. But there came a point when she really hated having to learn how to use her left hand. She had always known it was a possibility that she wouldn’t be able to fully recover, but she had at least hoped that she could get enough dexterity back to have sex. Which, to be honest, Ava hadn't seriously considered until Lilith had found her on the swings. She had felt the moments building up to this, but this was the first time Ava had really lamented the loss of her movement for anything but racing.

Of course, she could always learn how to do things left handed, but it’s not like she could go to Chanel to learn the technique for this. This was something she and Lilith would have to figure out together. In private. Probably for longer than Ava would like to admit.

Most days, after training, they were too exhausted to really do more than fall into bed together, but Beatrice had given them a long weekend to rest and recover about a week before their training schedule ended, and Ava wanted to make the most of it. Every time she saw Lilith in the locker room for the past week, she had wanted to pin her to the lockers and take her breath away, but Ava knew she was in no shape to follow through on her plans. Little did she know, Lilith had the same thoughts.

But Lilith, always a woman of action, had come up with a plan that would satisfy them both. She had made a reservation at one of the restaurants in town, a small place that was known for their paella, and told Ava to dress to impress. The plan was in motion, and Ava wasn’t even aware of it. Lilith had chosen her sleekest dress, a gold piece that had made even Beatrice stutter when she had shown the other woman.

“Be careful, Lilith. You don’t want to give Ava a heart attack before dinner.”

“If everything goes to plan, dinner will be short anyway.” Lilith couldn't help but smirk.

Lilith showed up at Ava’s doorstep at quarter to seven, and was surprised to see Ava dressed to kill. It seems they both had the same intentions to make the other swoon. Ava was dressed in a suit, dark enough that Lilith couldn’t tell the color from where she was standing. When she stepped into the light of the hallway, Lilith noticed the shimmer of satin as the purple became apparent. She licked her lips, looking her girlfriend up and down appreciatively. Ava held out a single rose, smirk firmly in place; she knew exactly what kind of power she held over Lilith in that moment. Lilith almost didn’t want to get dinner anymore, distracted by the lack of blouse under Ava’s blazer. 

But dinner was had, and flirtations were thrown across the table all night. Lilith had intertwined their fingers and refused to let go of Ava’s hand, even as she ate. She noticed the lack of a shaking fork as Ava skillfully twirled her pasta onto her fork with her left hand, and Lilith was proud. She knew how hard it had been for Ava to get comfortable doing simple tasks again. 

When they had been in the car home, Lilith couldn’t help but run her fingers through Ava’s hair, tugging out the elastic that kept it braided. Ava shivered every time Lilith would brush her fingers over her ear, so Lilith decided to tease a little bit more, running her finger along the shell of Ava’s ear. Ava was practically squirming in her seat, studiously avoiding Lilith’s eyes, but she would tilt her head into Lilith’s hand with every pass. They made it to Ava’s apartment, barely able to walk without tripping each other, so connected as they were. At one point, in the elevator, Ava had tried to pin Lilith to the wall, but her shorter frame hadn’t been very successful, and so Lilith had scooped her into her arms.

Ava let out a squeak of surprise, feeling Lilith’s arms flex against her back. Making it through the door had been a struggle, as Ava tried to dig her keys out of her pocket, but eventually they made it. 

The confidence that Ava had felt in the car vanished the minute they made it inside her apartment, the unspoken plans for the night coming to the forefront of her mind. She pulls away from Lilith, slows down her kisses. The thoughts from the restaurant come back, taunting her with insecurity as she looks down at her right arm. She hadn’t had to wear a splint for a couple weeks now, but she was still worried about her inability to please Lilith.

All of her confidence was in her hands, and now that she could just barely brush her teeth? Ava was so excited to be with Lilith in this way, the naturalness of their relationship had taken them here, but she was worried. So when Lilith guided her further into her apartment, Ava works harder to slow the night down. Lilith seems to take the hint and doesn’t question it when Ava leaves her side for the kitchen and a glass of water. Lilith takes the offered glass from Ava, runs her fingers along Ava’s arm, pulls at the cuff of her blazer. 

“What are you so worried about Ava?” her voice is quiet, not breaking the mood from dinner.

Ava turns to look at her, eyes shining with tears of frustration, and Lilith knows this is the breaking point. Ava pulls away and sets her glass of water on the island in the kitchen. “Lils, I can barely brush my teeth, or even eat dinner without looking like a toddler, how am I supposed to please you?”

Lilith can’t help it, she bursts out in laughter. Ava looks aghast, slaps her hand (not her broken one) against Lilith’s shoulder, mutters out an _"I'm_ _so uncoordinated, Lilith. This isn’t funny.”_ But Lilith, as smooth as she is, captures Ava’s hands, presses a kiss to her knuckles and asks, "do you want me to show you?" And Ava loses her breath, her internal monologue kicking into gear; _oh fuck, that’s hot._

So Lilith takes them into the bedroom, and Lilith turns, presents her back to Ava, scoops her hair to one side and asks "unzip me?"

Ava carefully runs her hands down Lilith's back. It takes a few tries before she can get a good grip on the zipper because she insists on using her right hand trying to avoid looking weak. Eventually she gets it, and as the dress falls away Ava runs her hands down Lilith's spine awe struck because _hot damn._ _Muscles._

When Lilith turned around, the dress pooled at her feet, she couldn’t help but admire the sight of Ava standing there. She reached out, running her hands along the edge of Ava’s blazer before moving to undo the buttons keeping her from touching Ava’s tan skin. Ava inhales sharply when Lilith’s fingers brush along her skin, a path of warmth left behind. By the time her blazer is on the floor, Ava’s already moved to undo the button on her pants, trying desperately to help Lilith along but her fingers seem to have lost all dexterity.

Just as she’s about to give up on it, Lilith pulls her hands away from her waistband and deftly undoes the button and pulls the zipper down, allowing Ava to shimmy out of her pants. Ava leans up to kiss Lilith, wrapping her arms around Lilith’s shoulders, feels Lilith’s arms come to rest on her ass. Ava gives a small hop, wrapping her ankles around Lilith’s waist. Ava starts to kiss her way across Lilith’s cheek to her ear, whispering something about being more comfortable on the bed, and then Lilith is moving.

She turns, braces a knee against the edge of the bed and gently deposits Ava on her back against the pillows. Ava whines, trying to pull Lilith closer to her, but Lilith just grasps Ava’s hands in hers and presses a kiss to the palm of Ava’s right hand. 

The action is surprisingly intimate and not at all what Ava was expecting, but nevertheless, she is incapable of stifling the moan that follows the action. Lilith smirks above her, intertwines their fingers, then forges a path down Ava’s body with her lips. She’s oh so gentle, pressing kisses to Ava’s sternum, working across her chest, feeling the stuttering of Ava’s hips against hers. Lilith leaves her chest, following the dips of Ava’s abs, dips her tongue into Ava’s belly button before continuing down. By the time she reaches the apex of Ava’s thighs, Ava is whining above her, rushed chants of “please” the only words she seems capable of saying. 

Lilith decides to quit teasing, running her tongue through Ava’s folds, before focusing on her clit. Sucking gently, Lilith braces a hand against Ava’s thigh, hoping to keep Ava from squeezing too tightly. She knows how powerful Ava’s legs are, has seen the way she can grip the bike, and doesn’t want to be a casualty of strength. She continues her exploration, using her tongue to build Ava up slowly. 

Ava calls out Lilith’s name when she comes, her right hand, still clasped in Lilith's, squeezing her fingers. Lilith pulls away slowly, licking her lips as she moves to lean over Ava. She looks to their locked hands, surprised at the grip Ava’s maintaining and chalks it up to months of intense rehab and a good old fashion fuck. Ava tilts her chin up to meet Lilith’s lips, wraps her free arm around Lilith’s shoulders in order to bring them level and lazily makes out with her girlfriend, relishing in the post-coital bliss for as long as she can.

Nevermind that she’s feeling anxious about returning the favor; her most successful nights are done with her fingers, and since she just spent months learning how to use her left hand, her tactics will probably be really shitty.

Lilith seems to be able to sense her hesitation, because she pulls back, rests her forehead against Ava’s and whisper’s a soft “you don’t have to, not tonight.” Ava closes her eyes, wills herself not to cry, because this. This is what she’s wanted, craved for months, and yet she’s not even sure she’ll be able to do it.

When Lilith rolls off her, Ava freaks out, squeezing her hand tighter against Lilith’s, but Lilith just gives her a quick peck and settles by Ava’s side. They lay there, just existing together, breathing the same air, for what feels like hours. Ava’s eyes flit between each of Lilith’s, looking so deep Lilith swears she can feel her touch in her soul. Lilith reaches out, grabs Ava’s left hand from where it rests between them, and lays it across her hip. Eventually, she can feel Ava’s thumb start to move, brushing across the dip in her back, and Lilith can’t help but smile. 

Feeling Ava’s confidence grow, she jumps a little when Ava’s fingers brush over a ticklish spot on her side on their way up to Lilith’s shoulder blade. Ava’s touch grows bolder, and soon her hand is coming around to Lilith’s front, pushing back on her shoulder and Ava moves to straddle Lilith. Her right hand stays locked with Lilith’s, but she uses the fingers of her left hand to trace shaky patterns across Lilith’s sternum. She brings her hands to rest just below Lilith’s breasts, brushes her right thumb along the curve there and leans over to kiss Lilith. When she pulls away, she whispers “I love you” against Lilith’s lips, and decides to move before she loses her nerve. 

She starts by kissing across Lilith’s jaw, biting softly on her pulse point. Gently, with her right hand, she brushes her thumb across Lilith’s nipple and Lilith arches into her hand, giving Ava the confidence to move down her body. She replaces her hand with her lips, and runs her fingers across Lilith’s abs. Lilith brings one hand to tangle in Ava’s hair, keeping her pinned to her chest. Ava continues her path, first with her hand then with her lips, until she moves to run her fingers through Lilith. One wrong motion of her wrist has fire spreading up her arm and she gasps, pulls back, and cradles her hand to her chest. Lilith is leaning up on her elbows, the hand in Ava’s hair coming to rest against her shoulder, brushing in small circles with her thumb hoping to calm Ava down. Gently, she takes Ava’s right hand in hers, a small scowl on her face as she inspects Ava’s arm. 

“Ava, you have two hands. Just use your other one.”

Ava goes to argue, the words “my left hand barely functions normally,” already falling from her lips, but Lilith silences her with a kiss.

"I’ll show you, you loveable idiot.” Lilith wraps her fingers around Ava's wrist, guides her left hand down to where she's aching and wet, and Ava lets out a little gasp at the consequences of her actions. "Start with my clit Ava" Lilith whispers, guiding Ava’s fingers to where they should be, and those words kickstart Ava's brain into working again. Her motions are tentative, _she doesn’t know how to do it from this angle_ , but Lilith’s breathing picks up, and Ava knows she’s on the right track.

She still isn't sure about _actually touching Lilith,_ but when Lilith opens her mouth next, it’s to give instruction. "Start with one finger Ava" and so Ava does, gently sliding her middle finger through Lilith's folds before she pushes into her. Lilith inhales sharply and Ava almost pulls out, afraid she's done something wrong because she doesn't have good control over her left hand, but Lilith's hand shoots back down and pins Ava's hand against her. "Just go slow, take your time" and so Ava does. She keeps her thumb pressed to Lilith's clit, slowly thrusting in and out with one finger before she gains confidence when Lilith starts to thrust up into her.

"One more Aves" Lilith breathes out, so Ava adds a second finger, curling her fingers into Lilith and watching her girlfriend's reactions. She speeds up just a little bit, making sure to keep up the circles of her thumb. Lilith's hand around Ava's wrist slackens, and so Ava finally feels like she can do this. She braces herself with her right hand against Lilith's ribs, and brings her lips to Lilith's chest. Ava keeps it slow, listening for Lilith's instructions, and eventually, Lilith begs her to speed up, each thrust of her hips driving Ava's fingers deeper.

Ava crooks her fingers, trying to find that spot inside of Lilith that would leave her shaking, and when she finds it, Lilith's mouth opens, a loud groan escaping. Ava smirks against Lilith's chest, and does it again. It doesn't take much longer, Lilith panting out Ava's name, "right there Ava, don't stop, faster" and so Ava does her best. The angle still feels awkward, she's not used to using this hand, but Lilith doesn't seem to mind. She braces her thigh against her hand, starts putting more power behind each thrust and when Lilith comes, Ava feels accomplished. 

They end up cuddled together, and Ava can start to see a future for herself. For so long, it has just been one day after another, trying to get onto the circuit, but now that she’s here, and now that she has Lilith, Ava feels at peace. She watches as Lilith falls asleep, her deep breaths blowing hot air across Ava's face, and she can't help but admire the other woman. The woman who has been so patient with Ava, so willing to take things at her speed. Ava loves her for it, and that's what she thinks of as she falls asleep: her love for Lilith.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooooo! This is me remembering to post a new chapter so *catch this.* I know things have been crazy all over the world right now, and for me living in America, I know I definitely need a little happiness so here's hoping this fits the bill.

The weeks leading up to Algarve were intense. Ava was able to complete a full 25 laps by the end of the fifth week but it didn’t come without consequences. It was painful and by the end of the 25th lap Ava couldn’t let go of the bike with her right hand. The muscles in her right arm had locked up and she could feel the throb of her heartbeat in her whole hand. She would normally be happy about the feeling, but after a few weeks of intermittent sensation, it felt like fire rushing through her arm. Camila had to help her off her bike, practically peeling Ava’s fingers off the handlebars one by one. 

“That was your best time since you first got here, Ava. I think you’re going to do well in Portugal.” Ava just nodded, focused on taking off her gear without hurting more than she already was. 

Chanel strolled in, a bag of ice in one hand, and promptly got to work helping Ava take off her brace and gloves. “Pain?” 

“A seven. Feels like fire.” Ava grunts out, grabbing for the ice and placing it on her hand, where the feeling of fire was the strongest, but Chanel quickly stopped her. 

“Ava,” she tsk’d, “you know the ice has to go over the scar tissue.” Ava huffed, but she let Chanel wrap the ice around her forearm before heading over to where Beatrice was watching Lilith’s stats from her current lap. 

She watches silently, taking note of how graceful Lilith looks on the track, how her bike responds to each movement. Ava can’t help but smile; watching Lilith race is like watching a sunrise. Each movement is intentional, graceful, and it’s almost possible to feel the new energy Lilith had described to her. Ava is mesmerized, unable to peel her eyes away from watching Lilith, but eventually there’s a shift in the air. 

A hand wraps around her arm, pulls her away from the screens where she was watching Lilith, and Ava finally snaps out of her stupor. Camila is walking next to Ava to the garage, hands waving animatedly as she describes some of the adjustments she’s planning on making to Ava’s bike after she’s gone through all the data they collected from today’s full run, and Ava just nods in the appropriate places, still fixated on the curve of Lilith’s form. Ava barely notices when Camila leads her back into the garage and in front of her bike. 

“So after talking with Salvius and Superion, I’ve gone ahead and made some adjustments so you can accelerate with either hand, it’s been cleared with the board, and Jillian is hoping that by having the option, your muscle memory might kick in and we can start helping you recover the ability to accelerate with your right hand.” Ava smiles at Camila, grateful for all the work that she’s been putting in on making Ava’s bike work for her. 

“I hope you know how much I appreciate all you’re doing for me, Camila.” Ava turns serious for a moment, wanting to let the other woman know that her efforts are helping Ava the most. “Racing is the one thing I have going for me, and to know that you’re just as invested as I am makes me want to come back better and stronger.” 

Camila just smiles, “I’m just glad my work isn’t going unnoticed. Many of the other racers like to think they’re the only ones putting in hard work.” They walk further into the garage, and Ava’s arm no longer feels like it’s on fire, so she sits at the simulated motorcycle and works through some of the changes Camila has made to the equipment. 

While Ava may not understand every little thing about her bike, she knows that Camila has put in time and effort to make it so that Ava can race again, and she’s never had a friend like this before. They walk through simulations for a few minutes before the sound of Lilith’s bike pulling into the garage echoes around the space. Ava is up like a shot, or at least as fast as she can be without knocking into anything. But she’s up and walking over to Lilith before the other woman has even taken off her helmet. 

“Did you hear? I went all 25 laps today. You looked amazing, as always, your tuck is looking better. Beatrice told me this was one of your best practices all week. When I watched, you looked so sleek. Like a ninja. Ooh! Or a cat. Can we get a cat?” Ava’s excitement had her thoughts jumping a thousand miles a minute, and Lilith could barely keep up. 

She noted the compliments on her racing, but how they ended up at cats, she isn’t entirely sure. Her eyes dart over to Camila in search of help but the engineer is already turning around dramatically, pretending to not exist. Lilith turns back to her girlfriend who is gesturing wildly at something or other, and Lilith can’t help but admire the way she looks, standing there with her racing gear half on, undershirt a dark green that sticks to every muscle. She manages to pull her head out of the gutter long enough to take Ava’s hand and lead her into the locker room with permission of Beatrice. 

“Ava, slow down. A cat is a lot of responsibility, we can look into it for after.” That’s what they’ve started calling the next few months: the after. 

After they’re done racing for the year, after Ava’s final appointments,  _ after. _ It’s something they’re both looking forward to, but Lilith knows they have to focus on racing in Portugal in a little over a week, and she’s trying her best to keep Ava on track. Her girlfriend is prone to off topic ramblings, but Lilith knows it’s a coping mechanism, a way of shielding herself from disappointment. You can’t be disappointed in someone if you don’t get the chance to talk about it. It makes Lilith’s heart hurt, but she knows there is much from her childhood that has made life as an adult difficult. She’s grateful for Ava, for the domesticity that they’ve been able to share, but she knows she’s going to have to set it aside for the next week and mentally prepare for the World Cup Championships. 

It isn’t going to be easy, Algarve is a difficult track, one of the longest they’ll race at a little over five kilometer’s each lap, and there’s a small vertical climb, different to almost every other track.  But she shoves those thoughts to the side of her brain and works on helping Ava out of her tracksuit. 

The velcro is still a little bit of a struggle for the other woman, and Lilith had seen Ava carefully shielding her arm from running into walls or other racers as they walked through the halls. Lilith doesn’t mind, appreciating Ava’s vulnerability. It’s a new side to their relationship, as if ever since Ava’s mid-recovery breakdown and their night together they had crossed an invisible bridge. 

When she has Ava undressed to her workout gear, Lilith pauses, running a hand over the scars on Ava’s arm. The parallel lines were red and inflamed, no doubt uncomfortable for Ava. The air around them seems to charge, Lilith’s hands bringing goosebumps to the surface of Ava’s arm. Ava links their hands together, pulling Lilith in for a quick kiss before pulling away. Lilith almost whines at the loss of Ava’s lips against hers, but she feels Ava’s hand take up residence on her shoulder and her curiosity grows, so she opens her eyes and just watches. 

Ava wraps her fingers around the flap of Lilith’s suit that keeps the zipper zipped and pulls it away before bringing her right hand up to Lilith’s zipper. It takes her a minute to fully grasp the small piece of metal, but eventually, she’s peeling away Lilith’s practice suit revealing her red tank top underneath. She ghosts her fingers along the line of Lilith’s abs, just relishing in the ability to  _ feel _ the material of Lilith’s shirt under her fingers. It feels reverent, the way Ava runs her hands up her suit and under her shoulders to push the top off. 

They’ve created their own little bubble, here in the locker room, and it feels right. This is where they connected, on the racetrack. It makes the most sense that this is where they can be vulnerable with each other. Neither of them makes a sound as they put their gear away and get ready to leave the track, and their peacefulness follows them back to Ava’s apartment. 

They make dinner together, a quiet affair, no words needed. Soft music gets turned on eventually, and they just sit on the couch, content in each other’s presence for the time being.  Here, in their little bubble, wrapped in blankets, the stress of the World Cup Championship can’t touch them. It’s the most content Lilith has been all season, and she’s ready. She knows that she’s put in all the effort that she can to make her racing better; she’s seen the work Ava’s been doing, is extremely proud of her girlfriend for overcoming what was thought to be a season ending injury. Lilith runs her hands through Ava’s hair, can feel each of Ava’s breaths against her collarbone. 

They have one more week. One week, and then they can start all the things they planned for the after. A road trip through the countryside, swimming in hot springs deep in the mountains, possibly getting a cat. Lilith has never been one to think of what comes after race season, focused on the next already, but she finds that her mind is at ease. 

Before Ava, thinking of a life after racing made her anxious, and she recognizes now that it’s because she didn’t used to have anything other than racing, but now she has Ava (and potentially a cat) to plan a life with. 

By the time they settle in for bed that night, Lilith feels lighter than she has in ages leading up to Algarve, and she couldn’t be happier. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently I am incapable of writing anything but angst rn (and this was written like. two months ago so idk what that says about me) but here's a chapter, and I have the rest of this fic finished, so I might be posting the rest this week. I hope this lives up to the rest of the work, I feel like maybe I rushed it, but alas, I like it and that's all that matters. So, here I am, throwing another chapter into the void. Enjoy!

It had taken months of training and recovery for Superion and Salvius to feel confident in letting Ava race again. It seemed like there were endless hoops she had to jump through in order to be cleared, and then she had spent weeks back on the track just learning her bike again. Given the adjustments Beatrice and Camila had made to the bike to allow Ava to accelerate with her left hand, Ava had to retrain a lot of her muscle memory. Her turn technique never changed, but Ava had to get used to feeling the acceleration more through her chest against her bike than she had previously. Not being able to feel anything in half a hand was really making it hard. 

But alas, she had put in the work, Lilith offering to stay at the track after hours with Ava, making sure the younger woman didn’t over do it, but to also offer support since Ava had been feeling frustrated lately. “It’s not that I’m  _ afraid _ , I just… am hesitant because my reaction times for braking hasn’t gotten faster.” Ava’s biggest concern was crashing again, understandably, and Lilith had tried to assuage those fears every time they came up, but this was the biggest fear they both shared. Being able to shift between accelerating and hand braking quickly was perhaps the most important muscle memory that a racer could have, and Ava was still relying on sitting up and creating drag. Until she could confidently take faster turns, she was going to be at a disadvantage. 

Eventually, the hours and hours of practice had paid off, and Ava felt confident enough to get back into the circuit. She knew the chances of her winning or even landing on the podium were slim, but she still wanted to try. She had racked up enough World Cup points before her crash to guarantee she was racing, but she was definitely at a disadvantage after not racing against anybody else for a few months. Granted, she had come from behind once, she could probably do it again. And this time, she had her teammates and her crew behind her. 

Camila and Ava had gone over several options for Algarve, and now all that mattered was showing up and getting enough practice runs in to create the best computer map they could. Lilith had offered to help, with data from her race last year, and the two of them had gone over the track in film at least fifty times. There was something special about preparing for a race with Lilith; the focus, the drive, but also the willingness to get a little wild. Ava had already infected Lilith with a passion for racing, and it showed. Both women were excited to race together again, and Ava knew the World Championship final would be a good race, regardless of the outcome. 

**

The trip from Spain to Portugal is short, only a few hours drive, and Lilith and Ava spend the whole time cuddled together. They’ll spend their last week before the race in Algarve, running a few practice laps and getting used to the humidity by the sea. 

Lilith spends most of the car ride looking out the window, watching the towns they drive through pass by, thinking about the people and what it would be like to live in a quaint little seaside town. She can see the fishermen coming into the docks, watches the grocer and mothers line up to purchase some of the daily catch. She’s amazed at the domesticity, the lack of hurry that is permanent in cities. Each town varies in its architecture, but the sedate pace settles into Lilith’s bones and she can’t help but relax. Ava’s head rests on her shoulder, the early morning departure making its mark. Lilith drops a kiss to Ava’s temple; she could get used to this, the two of them wandering together. For the first time in probably her whole life, Lilith isn’t focused on the upcoming race, instead thinking about what it would feel like to be with Ava like this all the time. 

She ponders on their situation. The executives had thought it was a bad idea to have two competitors dating, but Beatrice had assured them that everything was working just fine, and as long as Lilith and Ava kept laying down winning times, they couldn’t really argue. 

The calm doesn’t last long; the car hits a bump and Ava’s forehead smacks into Lilith’s chin with a small crack that has the two of them groaning. 

“Stupid small town roads and their stupid fucking potholes,” Ava grumbles. Lilith can’t help but chuckle, reaching over to grasp one of Ava’s hands and run her thumb along her knuckles. They’re probably almost to their destination, and Lilith has this desire to show Ava to all of her favorite spots in the coastal town. Her mind wanders to the cliffs that overlook the ocean and how there’s never too much wind, perfect for a picnic. 

Lilith is a little surprised that she’s even thinking of a date right now, knowing that she should be focusing on their race on Friday, but she can’t find it in her to care. These little carefree thoughts have become more routine, and Lilith even gets a little giddy when she thinks about the things she and Ava will be able to do when the season is over. 

Driving into the city center of Faro destroys the last little bit of serenity that the drive had held. Horns are honking and pedestrians dart out in front of the car, making Beatrice curse under her breath. Ava finally moves her head from Lilith’s shoulder and looks out the windows to take in the scene. The way her eyes light up when they pass a side street that holds what looks like an open-air market makes Lilith want to ask Beatrice if they can detour, but she knows they have a lot to get done before they can even think of anything but racing. LIlith does, however, make a note of the street name, for when they have a free evening.

She’s glad she did, because quickly, they are swept up in all things World Cup Championships. There’s press meetings, interviews, practice runs, bike tweaks, more practice runs, and finally, they’ve come to Thursday, their free day before Friday’s race. 

She and Ava had taken a walk through the market Ava had glommed onto when they drove into town, and they were holding hands as they walked back to the hotel from dinner. While the day had been well spent, the two of them starting with a swim in order to keep up some semblance of working out, Lilith couldn’t help but notice Ava’s more subdued demeanor. And if she was being honest with herself, Ava had been more closed off in the last couple of weeks. She had hoped that taking Ava out and spending their pre-race day together would pull the other woman out of her head, and it had worked for a little while, but now, as the night came to a close, Ava walked slower, as if she wanted to put off tomorrow.

“Ava, what’s on your mind?” Lilith asked, hoping that Ava would share what was on her mind as a way of unburdening herself.

“Do you regret letting me help you race?”

That was not what Lilith was expecting at all. But if she thought about it seriously, Ava had started pulling away after the Czech Republic. 

“No, not at all. I feel more connected to my bike than I ever have before. I love what I’m doing for the first time probably ever. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I guess- I just- I feel like you’ve been spending so much time helping me and then when I tried to help you, you started in second and-” Ava cuts herself off, and Lilith already has a feeling that she’s not going to like where Ava’s thoughts have gone. There’s a look of guilt on Ava’s face that Lilith doesn’t like, but for some reason, Lilith can’t stop her reaction. 

“Let me get this straight. You think  _ you  _ have the power to change how I race?” Lilith doesn’t really know why she’s blowing up, but something about the tone of Ava’s voice is getting under her skin. “You really think you could make that much of a difference? Ava, I’ve been racing way longer than you have, I think I know what I’m doing.”

She knows it’s wrong, that Ava  _ has  _ made a difference, but her memories are replaying the conversation with her mothers that had happened after the Czech Republic, and while she wasn’t feeling well when it happened, her mothers’ words stick out loud and clear now. 

“You’re right, maybe I don’t need you.” The minute the words leave her mouth, Lilith regrets them. She sees the way Ava’s face falls, and she has more to say, to try and dig herself out of this hole, and she tries to replay what could have led to this moment, but she can’t figure out how this happened. This is the biggest lie she’s ever told, she’ll always need Ava, but by the time her brain catches up to what’s happening, Ava has taken a couple steps back. 

Lilith wants to chase after her, explain the words that just came out of her mouth, but she knows that if it was her, she’d want some space, so she gives it to Ava. She turns in the other direction and walks through downtown Faro for almost an hour before returning to their hotel. She doesn’t go to the room she’s sharing with Ava, instead making her way to Beatrice’s room. When she knocks on the door, she knows she looks a mess, but she doesn’t have it in her to care too deeply. Beatrice gives her one look and then looks over her shoulder at Camila, who immediately is putting on shoes and heading out the door, presumably to check on Ava. 

“Do you want some water?” Beatrice asks quietly. Lilith just shakes her head and plops down onto the edge of one of the beds in the room. Her mind is still replaying the things she said to Ava, confused as to how she so massively misunderstood what Ava was trying to say. 

“I fucked up Bea.”

The words hang in the air for a few minutes, and Beatrice doesn’t know what to say. She’s seen Lilith through several relationships, and the only other time Lilith had felt this heartbroken was when she broke up with Isabel. And that wasn’t because Lilith wanted to. That was purely an action driven from fear, but now, Lilith was past the point of acting out of fear, so to see her here, face red from crying, Beatrice has no idea how to help. The best she can do is let Lilith talk it out, but with the race tomorrow, Beatrice is more worried than ever. She knows that if Lilith loses, she’ll completely spiral, and there will be no chance for her and Ava to recover. It’s happened in the past, and Beatrice doesn’t want to see it happen again. 

But Beatrice knows that this has to be hard for Ava, so she sends a text to Camila, asking her to watch over the other woman tonight, and all she receives in response is an “already on it,” and Beatrice knows that things will work out. Her job right now is to help Lilith be as prepared to race as possible.

The night is hard, Lilith struggling to fall asleep through her tears, but she eventually does. Her dreams are filled with Ava, and Lilith wakes with a rock in her stomach that makes it nearly impossible to eat anything. She forces herself to have oatmeal and a banana, a typical race day breakfast, but it tastes like ash and she can’t help but notice that Ava isn’t in the lobby of the hotel for breakfast. Her heart aches, and she wishes all she could do is apologize. 

She knows how emotional of a racer Ava is, her whole season getting cut short is evidence of that, and Lilith can only hope that her actions haven’t pushed Ava over the edge. 

She drives with Beatrice to the track, trying her best to get into a frame of mind that will let her block out the rest of the day, but it’s proving difficult. Ava has permeated into so much of her life that even race day routines involve the other woman, and if Lilith wasn’t as superstitious as she is, she would say everything would be fine. But Lilith grew up with superstitious parents, and it’s trickled its way into her life, and she can’t help but think that this will make her mothers happy. That she was destined to be alone. 

When she gets to the track, she’s surprised to see Ava, which is stupid, she knows the other woman has been looking forward to getting back on her bike and in a race, but Lilith’s heart is still beating double time. She gets dressed without making eye contact with Ava and heads out to the track for her warm up laps before the qualifying races. It feels weird, not to talk to Ava, but Lilith thinks it’s for the best that they don’t talk right now. She knows she would say something she would regret, and she doesn’t need that on her conscience before sitting for easily the most important race of her life. 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, hoping to get this finished and out before school starts up again on Tuesday. Hopefully this is satisfactory and that you guys have enjoyed this ride as much as I have.

It was Race Day. Admittedly, Ava was nervous. It would be her first race back from her injury, and it happens to be the biggest race of the year. While expectations are low (only once has a rookie racer won the Championships and that was Lilith), Ava still wants to do well. She needs to prove to both herself and Lilith that she deserves this. She had been a bundle of nerves for weeks now, despite efforts from her teammates to keep her calm. LIlith and Beatrice had told Ava she was worried over nothing, but Ava couldn’t help but feel anxious. 

Her first few practices had gone well, yes, but she was almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. She knew Randall was going to be racing against them, and it had been hard for her to sleep without seeing the crash in her dreams. Camila had been one of her calmest voices, reassuring her after every run that the bike was running smoothly and that Ava should just focus on her movements. Mary had popped in occasionally, in the moments Ava felt the most anxious, almost as if she had an “Ava is nervous” sensor, and reassured Ava that she was looking better on film than she had before the crash. 

The night before the race, after Lilith’s explosion in the market, Ava couldn’t sleep well. Mary and Camila had both spent the night with her, reassuring her that Lilith had Beatrice when she had inquired after her girlfriend (if she could even still call Lilith her girlfriend). Ava couldn’t say she was mad really, and she had forgiven Lilith the minute she had space to process what had happened, but she couldn’t find it in her to go see Lilith that night. When Lilith avoided her in the locker room on Race Day, Ava wasn’t sure she had made the right decision after all. 

All she wanted to do was comfort her girlfriend and reassure her that it was Ava’s own shortcomings that had led to the argument. She hadn’t meant to make Lilith feel trapped or cornered, but that’s what ended up happening. Ava knew they would need to have a conversation about everything, but she figured it could wait. She had been working on her patience her whole life. She would give Lilith her space, and after the races today, Ava would let Lilith know she was still there for her. 

Her pre-race rituals felt only half-complete without Lilith there, and she had to ask Camila for help getting suited up with all her gear. She was still a little embarrassed that she needed help putting on her gloves and doing up her shoes, but without Lilith there, she’d have to suck it up. 

The qualifying runs went well, better than Ava expected. She was never in the same heat as Randall, which made it easier, but she paid close attention to his number as each position was listed. After the last qualifying race, Ava was honestly surprised to see that she had performed well enough to make it to the final race. Her racing had been good, but she felt like every other racer had been too afraid to get close to her, to touch her. When she made it back to their tent, Camila and Beatrice were there with ice for her hand and a fresh water bottle. 

To be honest, Ava had zoned out, completely missed the part where Camila had told her what position she would start in for the Championship race, but when she looked up, it was there. Lilith, Randall, JC, Ava, and then everybody else. She knew it was bound to happen, the Ducati team was fast, their bikes had good acceleration, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t fully prepared. In his first race back, Randall had almost taken out another racer in a slide out, and in each consecutive race, he had been cutting close lines. Everybody would be watching him, and Beatrice had been talking with Lilith all week on defensive strategies (“we just want to be prepared, you never know what can happen, especially given how he’s been racing lately.”)

**

When Ava rolled into her start position 20 minutes before the race, Lilith knew something was up. Ava was never the type of person to be early for  _ anything. _ She was afraid of ruining Ava’s mental game by talking to her, but Lilith had felt like something was missing all day, so she swallowed her pride and left her spot, trusting Beatrice to take good care of her bike while she was gone, and walked over to Ava. She walked clearly in Ava’s line of sight so she didn’t scare her (maybe) girlfriend. Ava had her headphones on, head bouncing to the music she was listening to but her hands were clasped tightly in front of her, absent of the customary fidgeting. Lilith took her gloves off and placed her hands over Ava’s, gently prying her fingers apart. Ava’s right hand was shaking, and Lilith realized that this was the longest Ava had gone without a significant break since being cleared to race. Despite the weeks of practice and training building up stamina, racing was totally different, and Ava’s muscles were probably feeling pretty fatigued by now. 

They didn’t share any words while Lilith helped Ava out of her gloves, carefully undoing the straps to avoid causing any extra pain. When Lilith looked up at Ava, braving eye contact, she couldn’t find any malice and she felt herself relax. She didn’t realize how tense she had been outside of the races, but seeing Ava’s face with a tender smile put a crack in her facade. 

“I’m sorry,” Lilith whispered, afraid to break the moment.

All Ava could do was give her a smile, lined with a little bit of pain, and Lilith realized it was more than just physical. Her distance had hurt not only herself, but Ava as well.

“It’s okay, honest. I’m sorry too,” Ava responded. She looked down at her hands, her left spread against her thigh and her right hand curled tightly into a fist. Ava couldn’t uncurl her fingers, the muscles feeling locked in place, like after hanging on to a ledge for dear life. Intertwining their fingers, Lilith began to run her other hand up and down Ava’s forearm. 

Speaking softly, Lilith reassured Ava. “You’ve got this. Thirty minutes, thirty five max, and you’ll be done. It doesn’t matter what happens because you overcame this. You’ve gotten farther than a lot of other racers, Ava. Be proud of that.” Ava buried her head in Lilith’s chest, breathing deeply. They stood there for a few long minutes, Lilith just holding Ava, until Beatrice wandered over and let them know they only had a few minutes left before the start of the race. As Lilith moved to draw away, Ava tugged on the front of her racing jacket and pulled her down, pressing a kiss to her lips. It was just a quick peck, but it said everything Ava wasn’t able to say in that moment. 

That simple action told Lilith that everything would be okay. She hadn’t royally fucked up the best thing to happen to her in a long time. They would get through this. 

Lilith moved to help Ava put her gloves back on and walked back over to her bike. She handed off her phone and watch to Beatrice, took one last look at Ava, and put her helmet on. Lilith looked down at her bike, revved the engine to feel the power under her, and was satisfied that she could get off the line faster than Randall’s Ducati. Patience, Lilith was good at, and normally, she would have no problems waiting the last little bit for the race to start, but all she wanted to do now was start and beat Randall. 

Meanwhile, Ava had never felt more settled before a race. Her body was aching from a day of qualifying heats, but she felt unusually prepared after her little moment with Lilith. She shouldn’t be too surprised, Lilith’s presence had been calming ever since their moment in the kitchen back in Australia. She looked over at Lilith one last time before putting on her helmet, her face pulling into a smile at how comfortable Lilith looked on her bike. The efforts the two had put in the last couple of months was paying off, and Ava was excited to race. 

Letting out a deep breath, Ava looked up to the lights, mind focused on the task in front of her and not on the fatigue she felt in her body. Once she got into the zone, her muscle memory should take over enough to get her through the next thirty minutes. 

_ Red, red, red, red, red, green.  _ Ava’s honestly a little proud of how fast she got off the line. That had been her biggest struggle, her reaction times with her left hand a little slower than she would’ve liked. But it was irrelevant now. Turn 1 was approaching quickly, a small little thing that dropped into quite a bit of open space, giving Ava plenty of time to accelerate and close a gap between her and the Ducati team between her and Lilith. JC would be an easy racer to catch, he often left his outside open coming out of left handed turns, and Ava had been watching closely to his qualifying runs with Mary, picking the best moments to overtake him. She watched his entrance into turn 3, paid attention to the line he took leaving the turn and knew that he was racing sloppy in this Championship round. If she waited just a little bit longer, she would find her moment. 

And so wait she did. They made it through the first lap, easily separating themselves from the rest of the pack, and Ava had found herself in JC’s slipstream coming off the last straightaway. Her engine vibrated a little less as she eased off the accelerator and allowed her momentum to carry her close to his bike. She leans to her right in turn 14, the widest of them all, and can feel herself get pulled closer to the asphalt with gravity. Her right knee is on the ground, running right over the inside ribbon, and when she looks up from her turn, JC has left his outside wide open. Ava knows this is the perfect spot to pass him, a wide turn with plenty of space to cut back in front to keep him from performing a double pass, and so she goes for it. She grips the handle bars tight, pulling down with her left wrist and she can feel the horsepower under her chest. The acceleration helps pull her out of her turn, and Ava is leaving JC in the dust behind her. Randall and Lilith are all that’s in front of her.

She crosses the start line and focuses on making each turn as tight as she can. When she looks up, she can see Lilith going into turn 3, Randall hot on her heels. Ava presses her bike to go that much faster, hoping to make her presence known. Putting pressure on Randall is going to make him make a mistake, and if she can get him to make a mistake, then her chances of winning are that much better. She knows that Lilith will ultimately be the winner of this race, her skill and technique just that much better than Ava’s. But Ava isn’t afraid of competing to win. She’s going to make Lilith earn it if it’s the last thing she does this season. 

Ava doesn’t get close enough to pass Randall before she has to slow down for turns 4 and 5, but she does manage to stay within one bike length. He weaves in front of her coming out of turn 5, hoping to cut her off from the outside pass, but Ava is smarter than him. She works slowly to the outside of her line, faking the outside pass, coming up behind him enough that he should be able to hear her, before slowing down and ducking behind him for turn 6. She keeps her eyes up, working against her mind to stay focused on the track ahead of her instead of her hands as she works through the turn. Knowing where Randall comes out of the turn is key to her passing him. If he comes out too early, Ava will accelerate into the turn, make it sharper before working her way along his inside shoulder, but if he holds the turn a little bit longer, then Ava’s going to have to slow down to prevent crashing into him. Turns out Randall has learned his lesson, leaving his turn at the same time Ava does, and so they both work to catch up to Lilith in front of them. Lilith is racing well, her lines clean and clinical, just how Ava knew she would race. It’s exhilarating to watch, now that she doesn’t have to worry so much about her own racing, Ava’s enjoyed being behind Lilith.

Ava chooses to focus more on her own bike rather than what’s in front of her for the next few moments, really getting a feel for how she’s accelerating and the minute bumps in the asphalt. She’s never oblivious, in fact she’s acutely aware of the racer behind her who she can practically feel his breath on her neck. He’s riding close, maybe even a little too close, so Ava accelerates just a little bit. It’s still weird, pulling with her left hand, but she’s grateful for all the work Camila has put into her bike to make it as easy as possible. With some breathing room, Ava starts planning ahead. Camila’s voice is in her ear, giving her stats on each turn and keeping her informed about the other racers, but Ava only registers what she needs to hear and focuses on her breath. Her hand hurts, and she knows she still has at least 20 laps to go. 

By the time lap six has come around, Ava’s gone mostly numb, adrenaline and endorphins coursing through her body. She’s noticed some lag in her reaction time, the decision to accelerate isn’t immediately followed by the tightening of her hand that she’s used to. It bothers Ava a little bit as she comes out of turn 10, close on Randall’s tail and itching to pass him. He’s made some sloppy turns, and it’s killing Ava inside to not move ahead of him. She can’t tell if it’s because she’s afraid of what he’ll do, or if she’s afraid of her body not being able to pull off the maneuver. 

She doesn’t have much time to think about what she’s going to do next, however, because they’re going into turn 13, which is one of the sharpest before the straightaway for the start line, and it feels as if time slows. Ava’s keeping a close eye on the racers in front of her, but admittedly, she’s more concerned with watching the road, so when she sees a bike go flying, she fights against every instinct to pull out of her turn. She doesn’t see who’s bike it is, only focuses on dodging some of the debris that’s littered the track, and as she’s weaving around splintered aluminum and carbon fiber, she finds that she ends up right behind Lilith, who had been ahead of the crash. 

Ava feels her body relax, as if noticing for the first time that the thought of having to pass other racers was contributing to the majority of her stress around the race. All she has to do is keep pace with Lilith and make no mistakes and Ava will take second place in the World Championship race. As a rookie on the MotoGP circuit, she would take second. After suffering what many thought was a season ending injury, Ava could come in second behind her girlfriend. 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE MADE IT. This is the scheduled end of this fic, just in time for school to start, but I have a sort of epilogue that I may write if time appears. Thanks for sticking around with this fic, it's been so much fun to write, and I'm hoping to keep writing these two in the near future so keep your eyes peeled I guess.

Lilith’s start had been fast, the vibrations of her engine under her easing her into a competitive headspace. The first straightaway and the dip on turn 1 were easy, barely requiring a decrease in speed. Lilith’s handling would be her biggest strength in this race, the ability to make minute adjustments at the drop of a hat, compared to Randall who, in film, looked like an uncoordinated toddler compared to the Yamaha team. She wouldn’t have to worry about passing anybody in this race, and so she honed in on the track in front of her. The tire lines from qualifiers were still on the track, allowing Lilith to know where other racers had slid out. She followed her mental map going into the tricky turn 8 and then 9, running her knee on the ground in order to ground her momentum before swinging over to her left for the exit of turn 9. 

Her ears picked up on the sounds around her as the race continued. JC and Randall were doing their best to keep up, but Lilith was just that much faster. She tucked closer to her bike, making herself more aerodynamic in order to gain speed. It was on lap 4 that Lilith clocked the change in sounds around her. There was only the whine of one Ducatti behind her, meaning Ava had likely passed JC and it was just Lilith and Randall at the moment. She stuck her foot out into turn 6, slowing just a little bit more than usual in order to throw off Randall before tucking into the turn. In a moment of genius, she chose to accelerate out of the turn just a little sooner, choosing to take a more aggressive line over the ribbons, feeling her bike run over the rough plastic. 

Training with Ava had taught Lilith how to utilize her frame. While she was tall, she was also lighter than the men by just enough that she could slither around turns with more grace. It was how she had gotten ahead when she was young, before her mothers had taken her racing seriously and she was free to do as she pleased. 

Lilith was having fun. Actual, honest to God fun. She could feel a smile tugging at her lips and when she came around turn 13 after the sixth lap, she took a peek behind her, noticing how much distance was between her and whoever was in second. She would win this race, and she would show everybody that she was the top racer for a reason. The debris on the track barely registered in her brain as she turned back around and just focused on guiding her bike around the turns. With no other racer directly behind her, Lilith could only hear the whine of her own engine and Beatrice’s voice telling her about small changes in the lineup behind her. She knew Ava was racing well, and that fact pleased her. Ava deserved to race well after all the circuit had put her through. Ava deserved something good after all  _ life _ had put her through. 

The race seemed to blur by, feeling more like a leisure ride than an actual competition, but Lilith still cherished the time she got to spend on the bike. She had watched Ava deflate after her accident, and Lilith remembered how hard it was for her a few years ago to be off her bike. This was who she is, and being astride a superbike made her feel more alive than anything else. And Ava understood that. That’s why they worked so well together; they both knew that racing was going to be in their lives for as long as possible. 

There was no denying that Lilith was at the top of her game, and if she could stay there for as long as possible, with Ava by her side? Well, Lilith could die happy. By the time she was crossing the finish line, Lilith couldn’t help but let out a laugh. She sat up for her victory lap, flipping up her visor and she couldn’t stop smiling. Sure, she had won the World Cup before, but for some reason, because of Ava, this one felt different. While she was still unsure of their status at the moment, whether or not Ava was mad at her, or if she was mad at Ava for insinuating her input could ever make Lilith a poor racer, Lilith didn’t care. Nothing could take this feeling from her. 

When she finished her victory lap, she looked behind her to see where Ava was. She could just make out the purple suit Ava had been wearing that matched some of the other Monster racers, but she caught sight of the green lightning stripes on her helmet and made her way over to the podium, parking her bike next to Ava’s;  _ next to Ava. _

She noticed that Ava was just sitting on top of her bike, appearing to just be taking in the moment of coming in second place at the World Cup race. Camila was standing by Ava’s side, and when Lilith drove into her spot, the look she got said more than words ever could. Lilith dismounted and placed a hand on Ava’s shoulder. 

“Everything okay, love?” Lilith asked. She leaned in closer, giving Ava a one-armed hug that would seem completely normal to the average observer, but Lilith used the movement to look Ava in the eyes. There were tears, and Lilith was pretty sure they weren't just from racing well, but she had a pretty good idea that Ava was also hurting. Carefully, she helped Ava off her bike, taking special care not to knock Ava’s right hand against anything as she pulled them over towards Beatrice.

“Now, you guys have some press to do, mostly the champagne explosion, but we should be able to escape pretty quickly after. Anything in particular you guys want now that the season is over?” Lilith was thankful Beatrice knew her so well. All she wanted was a glass of bubbly and to sleep for a week straight, but she also wanted to cuddle up to Ava.

“You know what I want already, Beatrice. Don’t try me and drag this out.” Lilith smirked. It seemed luck was on their side, the reporters making sure not to take too much of their time, and soon Lilith and Ava were led away from the track and into the locker room.  Lilith felt a weird sense of deja vu, feeling like she should say something to Ava, but she could see the exhaustion clear on Ava’s features. She would wait until tomorrow to ask what she really wanted to know. For now, she would help her girlfriend recover from what was probably the hardest day of racing for anyone not recovering from an injury, let alone Ava. 

Ava was unusually quiet, and Lilith knew it was a sign that she was ready to get back to their hotel as soon as possible. So Lilith was efficient in getting changed, but she kept an eye focus on Ava, watching as she moved on autopilot getting changed; she used her right hand for the zipper seemingly without realizing it, and Lilith couldn’t help but be proud. Muscle memory had Lilith picking up both their bags as they exited the building and reaching for Ava’s hand. She hesitated before locking their fingers together, still unsure of where Ava stood, and so she left a small distance. Ava, however, seemed totally uninterested in there being distance between them, because she reached for Lilith’s hand and intertwined their fingers before resting her head against Lilith’s shoulder as they walked. It was a little awkward with the height difference, but Lilith wouldn't have it any other way. 

The car ride was silent, and Lilith still felt so connected to Ava that the other woman didn’t even have to ask for anything as they entered Ava’s hotel room. Lilith seamlessly slid back into Ava’s bed, holding her girlfriend close as she applied ice to her arm. The feeling of being whole settled back into her chest, and Lilith knew that the real win of this season was meeting and getting to know Ava. While the title of World Champion felt good, it had nothing on the feeling of being Ava Silva’s girlfriend.

Now that the season was over, and they had a month to rest and recover, Lilith and Ava would begin the After. For the first time in her life, Lilith was content with not knowing what would come next, and she was looking forward to see all the things Ava had planned for them. This was her chance to finally have happiness, and Lilith wouldn’t trade it for the world. A month to themselves and decades with their bikes. 

These were the thoughts that passed through Lilith’s mind before she drifted off, Ava cradled in her arms. 


End file.
